What should I teach my daughters about responding to sexual harassment? Feminist Advice
A reader worries that her own responses have been inadequate, and wants to teach her daughters to more effectively stand up for themselves.
A reader asks…
Do you have suggestions on advice to give teen girls about responding to unwanted attention from boys or men? Especially as many girls experience some firm of sexual harassment or abuse in teen years.
Speaking up or confronting my daughter’s father resulted in more abuse towards me, and I feel I’ve failed to show my daughter how to be strong and confident to not put up with abuse. I’ve left, but I’m still feel broken even though it’s been mote than 10 years. I’m not a fighter or confrontational, I like to keep peace, be diplomatic and kind and I’m concerned I haven’t been a good role model in this regard as I still struggle with this myself today.
My answer
This isn’t really a question about how to respond to abuse. It’s a question about how to forgive yourself for not responding as you wish you had.
You, dear reader, do not require forgiveness. You did nothing wrong. The painful, awful, ghastly truth is that abusive men will be abusive no matter how you behave. In fact, as you learned, standing up to abusers can actually make the abuse worse.
My friend Kate Manne has written about this phenomenon in great detail, arguing that misogyny is patriarchy’s police force, punishing women who step out of line.
This doesn’t mean that women should just take abuse, and should never be assertive. Rather, we must understand that assertiveness is not an antidote to abuse; the only antidote is getting away from abusive men.
I’m going to repeat that again: The antidote to abuse is getting away from abusive men. All training on how to avoid abuse or respond to harassment needs to focus on getting away.
I, like most women, have dealt with street harassment my entire life. When I was younger, I often lashed out at the harassers. This inevitably made things worse, and often caused them to turn violent. Now that I’m a mother, I’m more cautious, and my goal is to just get away. This hasn’t stopped or slowed the harassment. It has, however, kept me safer because I am singelmindedly focused on escape rather than teaching the man a lesson.
We see this in heterosexual relationships, too. There is no amount of assertiveness, communication, or bargaining that can convince an abusive or exploitative husband to be nicer. Instead, women must build an escape plan into every romantic interaction with a man. This is especially important as commitment increases.
I write about building your escape plan here.
Before a relationship becomes serious, it is so important that your daughters understand the profound dangers of romantic relationships with men. Dating is extremely risky, and your daughters must have the self-esteem necessary to leave at the first red flag. You cannot control what they think or do, but a number of parenting practices can reduce their likelihood of buying into harmful heterosexual dating norms. I write about those here. I cover the relationship truths we should all be teaching our daughters here.
As far as responding to sexual harassment, teach your daughters to view sexual harassment as a threat, and to do whatever is necessary to get to safety. Sometimes that might mean fawning. Sometimes it might mean running. There is no wrong choice if she survives. And there is no reason to feel guilt for “not standing up for herself” Sexual harassment can be a mortal threat. It’s not a teachable moment for men.
Most importantly, be there for your daughters. Believe them. Be their safety plan. Help them get out of a bad relationship if they need help.
Freedom doesn’t come immediately. It requires generations of women demanding better and passing the baton. You have learned and grown, and that is enough. Your daughters can grow beyond your wildest dreams. Together, you and all the generations that came before and after you will eventually play a small part in a truly just world.
Change is coming. It’s slow. But it’s coming.
Things I did that I think helped my daughter be less vulnerable to sexual harrassment and abuse:
1. Made sure she had her own interests and built a lot os skills and competence---sports, music, art---so her self esteem was built gradually and consistently on her accomplishments, skills, enjoyment, abilities, rather than her looks.
2. Made sure she always had independent mobility: back in the day before cell phones that mean making sure she had enough quarters for a pay phone, enough money for a cab, and eventually enough independent money of her own. As a child, her own bike always in good repair ("let's check your tires" I said, how many hundreds of times before she could take off), good running shoes, and when 15, driving lessons with a clutch so whatever vehicle she wanted to be able to drive, she could drive it, including "mascline"vehicles like a dump truck or tractor if she needed to; a driver's license and access to our cars and then her own car. ALWAYS BE ABLE TO LEAVE wherever you are easily! Was my constant refrain.
3. As a teen she knew that I would come get her, no questions asked, even in the middle of the night, wherever she was, if she needed OUT from a party,date, situation, etc. She only took me up on it once but it was indeed a crucial 2am moment. I didn't ask---she blurted the whole ugly man-harrassment situation.
4. As a VERY small child, if she didn't want to hug or kiss someone? NO way did I let those relatives hug or kiss her anyway. NO WAY. One female great aunt took great offense at this, until I explained exactly why. "But I'm not a sexual abuser" she said--but I said, that does not even matter: she has to grow strong NO muscles. It starts here. (The reason my daughter didn't want to hug her: she smelled bad! I didn't mention that part to the aunt.)
I agree, the patriarchal norm is to blame the victim (women) instead of the perpetrator (men). I also agree that women should just get away from any form of abuse. We can’t change other people.