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Trying not to hate myself after my perfect boyfriend just broke up with me (self.TwoXChromosomes)

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[–]RKO_Films 3694 points3695 points  (16 children)

It sounds like you need a professional therapist to help with your getting down on yourself, regulating your emotions and whatever is meant by "letting yourself go." Whether it's him or someone new, you can't expect them to act as your therapist but you don't want to not be growing, so I would encourage you to see a therapist and heal yourself.

[–]Rsee002 1050 points1051 points  (0 children)

There is this meme I share whenever I see it. It says “if you don’t heal where you are hurt you will bleed all over people who didn’t cut you.”

No shame or guilt about tending to yourself.

[–]Ya BasicAksama 674 points675 points  (10 children)

Agreed. If OP is not currently in therapy then it complicates lending them advice. It's incredibly challenging to be the "emotional caregiver" to someone. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship with someone who has unmanaged OCD. I miss them dearly, but I also have so much more bandwidth because I don't have to do that kind of emotional labor with such frequency.

[–]Umaritimus 270 points271 points  (9 children)

My wife didn’t manage her OCD for a long time - she wouldn’t accept the diagnosis. I felt emotionally beat down for quite a while. I felt like she treated me like a therapist and it led to some resentment on my end. I’m so glad we made it to the other side and she’s put in the work to manage her OCD.

[–]Ya BasicAksama 77 points78 points  (4 children)

I’m pretty sure the reason my partner left is in part because of the OCD. I’m envious your partner addressed that issue.

They brought up “issues” after leaving (ghosting) me for two weeks. They amounted to things which were small bad habits of mine, which I simply hadn’t addressed. But we’re the smallest potatoes. Things that if I’d heard about from my partner I would’ve felt deeply cared for.

Instead, they simply never said a word. No single mention of a grievance, I-statement of boundary. They left to see family, said I love you, and that was it. Too terrified of having the simplest “challenging” conversation. Still beats me up sometimes, we were so aligned otherwise.

[–]The Everything KegelAgentJ0S 83 points84 points  (3 children)

Avoidant people will bury every true feeling and thought that might lead to a heated discussion. At least until they blow up and ghost.

[–]frowattio 32 points33 points  (2 children)

Sometimes it feels like it's not my place to change a partner, and the right thing to do is just disappear. There must be some middle way.

[–]The Everything KegelAgentJ0S 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Listening with empathy and communication (from both partners) is the middle ground.

[–]Ya BasicAksama 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Using an I statement to express a feeling, setting a boundary, or communicating “I like/dislike this thing, can we do more/less of it” is not changing a partner.

At some point it feels like we collectively lost the plot on relationships being work, and an ongoing exploration and negotiation of two separate, different people.

Demanding a partner change is different from expressing a need, want, desire, or expectation.

[–]HeftyAvocado8893 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Why do people not communicate this stuff?

 I struggled badly with depression and anxiety in my residency years i also have ADHD/ASD (mild enough adult diagnosis but still makes me bad a certain social cues especially when I'm stressed or riled up).  One day my now-husband sat me down and literally said "look I love you and I know when you come to me you just want to vent and get mad when I try to fix your problems but I can't be your emotional punching bag so you need to find better ways to deal with this" and honestly it was eye opening... I signed up for therapy that week and honestly it's been a world of difference 

[–]roseofjuly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, you could ask basically the same question on the other side. Why didn't you realize you were doing these things on your own? Why did someone have to tell you?

Because it's hard, of course. Those aren't real questions, I'm not actually asking why you didn't magically know something was was wrong. But it's the same thing on the other time. It takes time and thinking for a partner to figure out the issue and you never know how your partner will take it.

[–]Any_Conclusion_4297 9 points10 points  (1 child)

What changed? As in, what made her start getting support?

[–]Umaritimus 32 points33 points  (0 children)

A few years after a therapist gave her the diagnosis she had a bit of a light bulb moment where she recognized some of the thoughts she had fell into OCD patterns of thinking. I think she literally said “oh yeah he might have been right”. She’s very stubborn and needs to get there on her own time, she can’t just be told something lol

She had also been actively working on her general anxiety for a while. I think her baseline anxiety being a lot better put her in a place where she could recognize the OCD

[–]whoisbird 133 points134 points  (0 children)

This is it. You can lean on your partner for somethings, but the deeper patterns that have been there for decades must be solved by yourself and a professional if you don’t have the tools to help yourself. 

I look at it this way. We want our lives to be like a flowing river. We are heading down the river, but we encounter small rocks (hurdles) along the way. When in a relationship, we can help each other maneuver around (and potentially remove) those small rocks. But there are also large boulders that have been put there by ourselves and our past traumatic experiences. Sadly, we need a professional come in and help you work on removing those large boulders. 

Putting the job on your partner is too much considering they have their own issues they are dealing with. We are all responsible for our unhealthy patterns. We are also responsible for how aware we are of those patterns. The river analogy helps me see what are my bigger issues I face. 

[–]marmartcat 129 points130 points  (0 children)

The last paragraph is particularly...a lot.

You can't blame hormones for bad behavior.

You also can't take your frustration in one area of your life and divert and direct it towards another person and issues you have with them. Because it feels like you're just trying to yell at something and they happen to be there. Which isn't fair.

[–]Gingerpics 207 points208 points  (0 children)

Recently went through a break up with the healthiest person I've been in a relationship with (mostly been in abusive, unhealthy, or drug based relationships) and after the break up it hit me hard realizing I was the unhealthy one. so I decided to stop drinking stop smoking weed and see a therapist and almost 5 months later I'm finally coming to grips that I need to take what happened as a learning curve and apply them to the next relationship I have so it can be healthy on my end as much as on theirs. Finding the sliver lining in something that's mainly your fualt or at least feels like it in the moment is hard but being able to grow and better yourself is the best thing you can do for not only yourself but the people you interact with later. One thing I immediately realized was I shouldve seen a therapist so much sooner,  just because you're aware of past trauma doesn't mean you know how it effected your coping mechanism and decision making. Speaking from personal experience of course. Anyways, I'm still sad about how things happened but I'm glad that I'm a better person now based off taking the things I learned I needed to work on and working on them.  I believe in you,  keep your head up ✨️

[–]Anxiouslyfond 1022 points1023 points  (13 children)

Two things can be true at once.

He can be cruel for telling you that you let yourself go. I feel like there are other ways to possibly have this conversation without wording it that way.

But, he can also be valid in saying that your inability to regulate your emotions is a problem. You state that he rarely communicated his true feelings to you, but then the next you admit that he told you that your emotions affect him. That is pretty clear, he DID communicate to you. You should be able to lean on your partner emotionally, but if they are telling you that it is too much or that it is impacting them, that is not weaponizing it against you. They are communicating their own needs, and it is possible you did not listen until it was too late. Our partners should not be our own personal therapists. That is not fair.

I say this with so much understanding because I've been there. It is our responsibility to regulate our emotions. Sometimes, sure, shit happens, but is it possible that he did not feel like he had space to bring it up enough to you, or maybe he did? We will never know; we don't know either of you. But I would definitely get into therapy to sort all this out.

Just don't hate yourself for this. Just recognize what went wrong and what needs to change. Heal. Someone who breaks up with you is not your person.

[–]Prestigous_Owl 413 points414 points  (7 children)

I will also add: if your feeling is that he doesn't communicate with you about his feelings, it can be because he didn't feel there was enough space.

I've been on probably both sides of this at times in my life. If I'm with a partner who is REALLY struggling and it feels like there's always something going on, it's harder to share - because I'm being forced into the role of the "stable" one or the one whose job it is to help, so I never get to be the one who NEEDS help.

Agreed more broadly: the exact conversation may have been something that could have gone better (though we also are relying on ops paraphrasing). But it sounds like maybe this breakup did need to happen, if you weren't feeling healthy and fulfilled, etc as a couple.

Just remember it's also not the end of the world. Breakups happen. We find other people, or we find happiness in ourselves. Genuinely lots of road left ahead of you. Take this as an opportunity to grow

[–]tallperson117 187 points188 points  (0 children)

If I'm with a partner who is REALLY struggling and it feels like there's always something going on, it's harder to share - because I'm being forced into the role of the "stable" one or the one whose job it is to help, so I never get to be the one who NEEDS help.

God, I feel this in my soul. I love my partner and she's doing much better now, thank god, but most of 2024 and the start of 2025 she had a big life setback she was dealing with and she was falling apart. I had to be the "stable" one, constantly providing emotional support so that she could power through what she needed to do, all while dealing with the recent death of my own father, and it was rough. I started spiraling myself, but didn't feel I could confide in her about it because I didn't want to increase her own load.

[–]HursHH 71 points72 points  (4 children)

This. I can't talk to my wife about my feelings ever. Not once in 10 years. Because I know without a doubt in my mind that if I did, it would send her into a downward spiral that wouldn't end for a long time and none of us want that.

[–]Pasta_Plants 55 points56 points  (2 children)

This doesn’t sound ideal

[–]HursHH 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Its not. But I can handle myself just fine. And there's no need to let my emotions cause her to fall into a depression. She has pretty bad anxiety and depression she's working through

[–]Felixir-the-Cat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope you have someone in your life you can talk to.

[–]Eljay60 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Glad to know there are others out there! My hubs has (diagnosed) anxiety and if I am anything less than rock solid, regardless of the situation, he spirals and it makes the situation so much worse.

[–]PurePerfection_ 103 points104 points  (1 child)

You make a really good point about the emotional component. Your partner, no matter how great they are, should never be your entire support network. If you find yourself dumping feelings onto someone so frequently that it negatively impacts the other person, you need to consider therapy instead. It's very easy for a relationship to become unbalanced, with one partner constantly needing reassurance and a sounding board but not holding space for the other's emotional needs. I've been on the other side of relationships like that, with guys who expect their girlfriends to double as best friends and therapists. It is DRAINING.

It can be especially exhausting if, like OP's ex-boyfriend (and me), you are the kind of person whose instinctive response is to brainstorm solutions and talk about how to fix the underlying problem. I get that sometimes people just need someone to listen and sympathize, but that is really hard to do if you hear about the same issues repeatedly from a person who is unwilling to accept advice. It sounds like OP and her ex just weren't compatible in this regard.

[–]MithosYggdrasill1992 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Agreed. It really sounds like her ex tried all he could, but just found he hit his limit. I really hope that OP gets therapy, and that her ex and her both find their forever person, because it’s clearly not with each other.

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    [–]recyclopath_ 185 points186 points  (0 children)

    It sounds like your mental health is affecting your life and relationships negatively. That is absolutely something to get assistance with.

    If 8 years of a relationship isn't a "hell yes!" for marriage it's a "FUCK NO". This didn't sound like a hell yes.

    [–]MLeek 592 points593 points  (3 children)

    Eight years is a lot to grieve, but you need to stop giving his parting words so much power.

    I paused my career, turned down clients and full-time job offers, to balance the work I had to do for my critically ill ex for almost three years. When his health improved, and I started to express some expectations of him, he ended it. And he told me "I stalled his life." and in the moment, I believed him. It was absurd for him to say, but it stung. And that's probably why he said it.

    Some people just say nasty shit on thier way out the door, often because they can't face (let alone communicate) thier own failure or unhappiness. It has to be somehow your fault or you have to be a bad person because they can't take real accountability for a tough choice.

    If you know you have work to do on self-regulation, this is a great time to do that work. Without an entrenched dynamic.

    [–]Fun-Maintenance6315 60 points61 points  (0 children)

    I'm so sorry your ex did that and said that to you. Truly awful. May he reap what he's sowed.

    [–]cheeeezus 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    I feel this. But as someone who had that seemingly unending trauma, something similar happened with my ex-partner of 7 years just before my 30th birthday. I had lost my home (due to a complex family matter), then lost trust in my family, all right before covid. The stress put on our relationship was intense. Yes, he offered to have me move in. But with the stress of lockdown, the stress of losing my support system… and even my job on top of it—therapy alone just wasn’t enough. I needed safety, I needed support from my partner. And in lockdown, he stayed silent.

    Sure at first I blamed myself and my problems for our relationship’s demise. But day to day, he ignored my attempts at simple connection. He was resentful because I felt hopeless. But in turn I’d try to be a good partner. Making our morning coffee, doing his house chores, his laundry, etc. I became his maid, and received no thanks. When I’d ask him how his day was going, he just stared at his computer. Only to say he’s busy, though i know he was just on reddit.

    In the end, he told me he barely recognized me. I’d tried so hard to improve my appearance, but had gained weight. He hadn’t told me I was beautiful in over a year. And it wasn’t like he was the most fit/attractive person either.

    After we broke up, I blamed myself for a lot of things. But I also realized I was free from his judgement. And that was so very rewarding. Less than six months afterwards, after hiring a trainer to help, I lost about 40 lbs, and in the best shape of my life. I feel hot and confident. To this day, I feel age 30 was my awakening. I can do (and have done) so much better than I possibly could’ve imagined. I accomplished goals and dreams my ex had deemed, “too far fetched.” I proved him absolutely and utterly wrong. It took one year for me to buy a new apartment. And I took my time to heal. Within 2 years, I was able to trust men again. I started dating the man of my dreams—someone I thought was way out of my league years ago.

    OP, please know you are so much better than you are giving yourself credit for.

    And my ex? He got married a year and a half after our breakup. Am I surprised? Sort of. To this day I am disgusted by the way he treated me. I wonder why I put up with his mistreatment for so long. His poor wife may deal with that soon enough. But all in all, I’d say it’s okay to get mad at this guy for what he didn’t give you. It’s part of the healing process.

    OP, take some time to take care of you. Learn to love and respect yourself first. And I promise everything will fall into place.

    [–]fatsalmon 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    I’m so sorry he did that to you :( absolutely true and sometimes people just want to hurt others one last time as a revenge.. :(

    [–]PantsAreNotTheAnswer 191 points192 points  (1 child)

    My partner of 9 years ended things with very little communication. He went on a work trip and dumped me on his way home. One of the reasons was we had been having "difficult conversations lately." What that basically meant was that I was asking questions about the present (money) and future. He was talking about potentially returning to his home country but it was clear he was in no way willing to support me so that I could go with him (I would have to find a new job there).

    After he ended things, I began to acknowledge some of the red flags that I ignored and that helped. I also decided that him ending things was not truly about me and was more a reflection of him. He had a new girlfriend no more than two months later. That's not on me, that's a him thing.

    Try not to get too down on yourself, sometimes it just doesn't work and though you may have contributed to it (I'm also not an easy person), it is not all on you. No one is perfect, my ex sure wasn't.

    [–]zarazilla 74 points75 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes the red flags only become apparent with distance.

    [–]finemelater 133 points134 points  (1 child)

    No one is perfect, so it’s interesting that you use that word to describe him.

    You had been together for long enough to know if this was the real deal or not. It wasn’t. It’s better to cut your losses now, work on yourself, and then eventually find the right person.

    [–]Fun-Maintenance6315 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    100% this, OP!

    [–]CormacMacAleese 525 points526 points  (3 children)

    "Best one I'll ever have" is fresh-breakup talk. There's no way you could possibly know that.

    And while you may be right that he was great, he doesn't sound "perfect". For example his communication clearly needs improvement, if he can't tell you what's eating him before he suddenly ups and ends it. Honest recognition of his strengths and weaknesses can help you get over the breakup.

    [–]LadyMish 70 points71 points  (1 child)

    My guess is OP is saying those things from a place of knowing nobody else will probably tolerate their emotional disregulation. I could be wrong, but that’s the vibe I got. Especially since they started dating so young.

    [–]humdrummer94 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I have one thing to add.

    Being told the worst thing about you is how other people treated you and filled you up with sadness. And having gone through all of that, the worst thing you can do is throw it back at them that they somehow are responsible for how terrible life has been not because of what they do but because of their terrible circumstances.

    Why are you trying to suck the life out of everyone who already have had everything taken from them?

    It hurt being that way and knowing other people that got away with much worse.

    I guess I should have ended it all when I needed to.

    [–]Aggressive_Sun_2897 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    Communication is definitely needed. But the part a lot of people miss(including myself until recently) that they may be telling you what's bugging them also just not in a way you get exactly what they mean. Im in the process of ending a 15 year marriage. I filed due to not only cheating, but also emotional, mental and financial abuse. While telling him for years what was bothering me and what I needed he was telling me that he didnt want that. That's where the emotional and mental abuse came from. Instead of actually comming out and saying he wanted to move on he was trying to make me end it.

    I stuck it out this long because he would tell me he loved me etc, but not in the way that would be needed to keep the relationship alive. He couldn't express exactly what he wanted and I took it the way I wanted to. Im not excusing the abuse aspect in anyway shape or form, but if he could have just stated he was comfortable the way things were just not with us being together, the dynamic could have been shifted. Everytime I bought something he would say things like what are ypu buying that crap for. Or we got bills to pay (which were 100% paid, we weren't struggling at all) But what he was thinking was i needed to put money aside so I wasnt dependant on him.

    The way he said things was extremely abusive he didnt know how else to say it. Instead of trying to have a real conversation his fall back was to dismiss me basically. We would still be getting divorced and I wouldn't take him back even if he learned how to actually communicate his feelings in an adult way. But usually someone is telling you how they feel with either words or actions and expect you to be able to understand.

    Ive been talking things out with a therapist, and I recognize the abuse, and her take on it basically is he doesnt know how to actually say what he is feeling so thats the way he expresses it and doesn't realize it is in fact abusive. I do hope that one day he will. I hope for the best for him even with everything that has happened. I hope he learns to actual talk things out instead of reacting the way he does. I doubt it will ever happen, either way, no longer my problem.

    [–]Crafty-Isopod45 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    It sounds like you are aware of the challenges you are facing with regulating your emotions. How do you plan to change that?

    Not sure what he meant by letting yourself go, but it could be that you need a wake up call regarding your self care - this may be multifaceted and includes mental health and stability, eating habits, exercise, overall lifestyle choices, hygiene, fashion, etc. Are you taking care of yourself? If you are not that can wear down your partner over time.

    Hopefully this can become a catalyst for you to start fresh in some ways and find a path to a better, healthier you. We all have room for growth and improvement, not all of use are moving in the right direction. Find the big and small ways you can change for the better for yourself.

    [–]MedCup4505 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    I’m so sorry. It really hurts, and feeling like it wasn’t entirely “fair” but also a little “your fault” makes it harder.

    He wasn’t perfect, and you know that.

    Get counseling for your grief and for your challenge with emotional regulation. It really helps.

    [–]FaithlessnessDear804 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Ever relationship is essential to learning what you do or don’t want in a partner. Sending hugs your way OP 🫂

    [–]Expensive_Ear3791 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Straight female here, 47, married. Most partners don't want to be therapists. If you knew this stuff about yourself, are you in therapy?

    I noticed you said something like, "i was disappointed in his lack of progress in the relationship", and also, "he didn't communicate with me how he wasn't happy about things". Healthy relationships don't always need to have everything spelled out. People who click can vibe in many ways, one of them being "getting" each other, and anticipating one another's needs. People who "work" remember to put their partners first (sometimes).

    It is a turn off to have to articulate every grain of every disappointment - in my marriage, I get frustrated when what I believe are "obvious" things, like my husband not helping with cleaning or dinner for weeks on end (while verbally noticing I seem stressed) is put back on me for not spelling out that I need help. I know that sounds petty but most people want to be understood without having to beg.

    Sometimes things are pretty obvious if you look outward and frame the circumstances around your significant other. My husband has severe, medically resistant depression so I absolutely empathize with you here: you may not be at that depth of emotional disregulation, but god damn, I wish my feelings could matter sometimes, even if they are much more self-managed. He is in pain, and I also have value, but it really gets swept aside due to his crushing illness. As a person married to a severely depressed person, I have had mud thrown back at me when I tell him how hard it is for me to always be adjacent to his Big Hurts. I say this because, when I have Big Hurts, it is almost immediately compared to his MUCH larger, and always more intense, suffering. I have to remember that my husband is in so much pain that he almost never has room for outward empathy; he almost always takes even a small bit of my normal negative emotions - like sadness, anxiety, or disappointment - as something that has to do with HIM. It is exhausting.

    I am off topic, but what I am saying is this: don't assume your suffering (being "in your head") is something your lover is 100% willing to put first every second of every day. Maybe this rambling doesn't fit your situation. Maybe I am a coward for letting my partner's depression always take the spotlight. Or maybe I am a jerk for ever needing to feel cared for when my partner is sicker than me.

    [–]electr1que 43 points44 points  (3 children)

    My wife used to lean heavily on me for emotional support. The problem is, I was raised to address a problem practically and to be thick skinned (poor farmer family). This approach from me made her angry and she would become emotional. She would tell that someone at work said X to her. I was like, ok, but why do you care what a random someone that you have zero interaction says? She would become angry at me for minimizing her feelings. The cycle repeats.

    During a really bad period (our daughter had to have a surgery, money problems, failing project at work, etc.) I found myself drowning. I love her but when my world was collapsing, I had to also manage her emotions and be her support. I was stressed all the time, grinding my teeth, not sleeping at night...

    One night I told her that either she starts going to therapy or I'll be filing for divorce. She was so shocked, didn't expect it, said I was shifting my stress to her, etc. I gave her 1 week to book an appointment. She finally started going and our life is so much better now. She still tells me stuff but I'm not an emotional punching bag. Also, she learned some coping mechanisms.

    [–]GoddessofBeautie 143 points144 points  (1 child)

    Some hard truths: just because YOU would never.....you would have....etc, doesn't obligate your partner to hold the same views, feel equally as strongly or ride, and die in the same way. Just because your rock bottom would be cheating or abuse doesn't mean his would be as well. Just because he was perfect in your eyes doesn't mean he needs to see you in the same light. These are risks you take when dating; you can't control people's feelings or actions.

    You made this man and your relationship with him your safety crutch, he became your sun and your moon, you lost yourself in it. It may not easy to see now, but he did you both a favor. What you describe sounds suffocating, unhealthy, codependent, and stagnant.

    Take time to figure out what it's like to be single, not dating, chasing, or pedastalizing a man. Get lots of therapy. Be the source of your happiness, self-worth, and confidence. Build healthy friendships. Discover some new goals and dreams. And hopefully some day you will look back and be grateful to him for setting you both free.

    [–]PlusUltraK 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    This resonates a bit with my relationship with my girlfriend.

    8 years for OP is a very long time to go through the motions and things flying off the handle and ending so abruptly makes sense. While yes her partner could’ve communicated better and explained their stress points. But It also can’t be just tiny things that upset OP and she in turns emotionally abuses him in some way via being upset and hormones.

    For example, hormones and periods can mean you’re more moody, but that cause doesn’t mean you proceed to ice out your partner in some way.

    [–]RWDPhotos 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    Just offering solutions is typical for a guy. People in general don’t like to hear somebody griping constantly without wanting to change anything about what’s causing it. Like, if you had a leaky faucet, and all you did was complain about it making a mess all the time without any effort to fix it, then that would get annoying real quick. That’s usually how that behavior is usually viewed. If this was a behavior that seeped into other areas of your life, where you make no effort to change things for the better, that could make thoughts about being with that sort of person long-term very concerning. “Am I willing to deal with fixing this person’s problems for them for the rest of my life?”

    [–]buffalofanatic2010 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    I’m a male so you are welcome to take this with a grain of salt, but find someone that is willing to ask: “are you asking for solutions or are you just wanting me to listen?”

    [–]InAcquaVeritas 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Others suggested therapy to help with your mental health. It’s a good recommendation, you deserve to be happier in yourself.

    That said, the perfect boyfriend:

    • lacks emotional intelligence and capacity to actively listen to you;

    • is non committal;

    • is not a good communicator;

    • tells you you are letting yourself go and no longer attractive to him when your mental health is clearly not good instead of helping you towards counselling;

    Hun, please don’t blame yourself. Focus on your healing and don’t settle for the above. You can do better x

    [–]linkcame2town 38 points39 points  (3 children)

    hey girl - i’ve been in a similar spot. I was with someone for four years who was perfect on paper but guess what - he was not perfect for me! I ended the relationship and had just turned 30, I felt like my life was ending. guess what happened? my life was just beginning and I met the man of my dreams last year and we got married at city hall two months ago. I also have a career i’m proud of and moved to my favourite city in the world since that relationship ended.

    life is just beginning for you! please trust that he wasn’t the one - especially since he hid his feelings for so long. you should seek therapy because it’s the best way to heal and grow into the person you’re becoming. life is hard enough without us beating ourselves up. I promise you there’s a lot of good on the horizon.

    [–]BellaStayFly 12 points13 points  (2 children)

    God I needed to see this comment. Freshly out of a 4 year relationship and just turned 31. I feel like I’m back in my teens. Your 30s is just like the teens of adulthood. I am optimistic and slowly gaining back my energy that he stole from me! He was a chronic complainer and always thinking something was wrong with him. It’s exhausting to hear that every day.

    [–]TheNetworkIsFrelled 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    You got this. One step at a time, things will improve.

    [–]linkcame2town 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    you're going to get it back and more! I promise, it's so nice to be far on the other side of thinking "my life is over" - it really is just beginning. best of luck to you!

    [–]Slothvely 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    This sounds exactly like my relationship except we're still together, because I went to therapy for my emotional issues and we are both trying to be better with communicating our feelings. It's not perfect, but so far we're managing. Your situation is what gives me anxiety each and every day though and I'm really sorry it ended this way for you.

    [–]Suitable-Slide7566 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Let him go, you never know what’s going to happen. Let it hurt for awhile, but let it go. I’m old and I’ll tell you, I was almost always wrong about the perfect one, or any other one, for that matter! People change. In a few years you both might have changed and grown, and meet again. Be kind to yourself. Exercise and moisturize, you’ll never regret taking care of yourself. Take it from me.

    [–]CleverGirlRawr 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Breakups are so painful when you didn’t want it.  That said, it should not be on your partner to put up with or manage your emotional dysregulation. While your partner should have empathy and treat you with kindness and respect, it is wholly on you to get yourself to a healthy place and have self-control. He has mentioned your emotions being a problem before. Take time to focus on your healing with a licensed therapist so you can be your healthiest self. 

    You don’t know that this person is the best you’ll ever get. When you are healthy you are likely to attract another healthy partner and have a good relationship in the future. 

    [–]marsh_mellow_moon 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    A word of advice? Stop framing it like he’s the best you’ll ever have. YOU are the best you’re ever going to have. YOU can be the best for you right now, better than any man can. Start taking care of yourself now and I promise you’ll attract what’s best for you later. Signed, a very happy and healthy 40yo who started putting love and care into herself at 30.

    [–]throwthrowyup 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    Your boyfriend isn’t your therapist. If he’s told you in the past your emotions affect him that should have been your cue to go see a therapist instead of dumping all your negative emotions on him. I had an ex like this and his “me me me” attitude in our relationship just killed it for me after a few years. It’s like he forgot there was two of us in the relationship and wanted me to constantly support him. His support rarely came my way. Idk, the description of your dynamic reminded me of my own past situation, so I see why he broke up with you. Live and learn. Improve yourself for your next relationship.

    [–][deleted] 44 points45 points  (4 children)

    I think the fact that you guys have been together for 8 years and the relationship never moved forward was a sign that maybe it just wasn’t the right fit.

    I too can be an emotional girly and my last boyfriend wanted to know every detail about my life, wanted to give me advice and be my confidant, and then would turn it around and ask why I use him “as a therapist”. Felt manipulative in a way because he kept asking me questions and then would get mad when I shared too much? Mine also did other manipulative and even some things that were just abuse.

    I’m sure you’re going through it right now, I’m sure it’s painful, but I hope this fresh start leads to happier and more fulfilling times for you.

    [–]Dr_Spiders 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    A perfect relationship doesn't have tons of ups and downs. Obviously, there will be occasional challenges, but a healthy relationship shouldn't feel like something you have to constantly fix. It should be easy more often than not.

    [–]paulenology 42 points43 points  (3 children)

    I recently went through a 3.5y relationship breakup where he told me something similar to the tune of letting myself go aka, “how can you be happy with how and where you are right now?”

    Trust that isn’t how a healthy partner will respond or react to someone they love. Today, it is your appearance, tomorrow it could be your career, ambition or personal ethics… when do you draw the line and stop blaming yourself for other people’s projections?

    Breakups always gonna be tough but please be kind to yourself. You did the best you could given your circumstances :)

    [–]scytob 15 points16 points  (2 children)

    good reply, my wife and i long have joked (since before we got married) we would get fat, old, wrinkly and smell of pee and that we actually look forward to the downward decline we all inveitibly face - because we will be together (we have 1 and half of those so far)

    [–]FillMySoupDumpling 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    All pre smell and half old! 

    [–]scytob 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    hahaha :-)

    [–]Rogue_bae 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    He doesn’t sound perfect.

    [–]happyherbbby 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    He sounds like a shallow douche and not perfect at all. I'd consider losing that dead weight a blessing.

    [–]Gbovfl98 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    What is “letting yourself go” though? My bestie has emotional regulation issues and it gets scary. She has literally destroyed stuff. Her bf has had conversations with her about it and about hygiene upkeep/letting herself go. She binge eats, ect then hates herself once she gains weight. Last year she started trying more on that esp with smell and perfume. (Smoker) They are managing. She has learned to hold in her fits, until she is away from people. I told her she needs to turn her shed into a rage room and tell him it’s her art studio 😅 (both artist) I love her to bits, but can acknowledge she would be hard to be in a romantic relationship with. She is in therapy and medicated. I will never not be her friend but I understand how that can be too much for some people. If you are a similar personality and have depression or rage issues, start therapy but also please go to the doctor and get your hormones checked. Could even just be vitamin deficiencies comtributing.

    [–]spider-pie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Just a reminder that nobody is anywhere near perfect, not him, not you, not me.

    He certainly shouldn’t have said you “let yourself go” and he probably shouldn’t have told you he would always be there for you and then broken up with you 8 hours later. Does that make him evil? Obviously not. But it also serves as a reminder that he’s not perfect.

    Sometimes relationships stop working. Something breaks. People change; things become incompatible. Neither of you are at fault for that. It is life, and it is hard.

    Going no contact is probably best in the long run, in my opinion. I’ve done the “let’s stay friends, let’s still hang out” thing 2 too many times, and it only makes things harder and more complicated. It feels bad, but it will help you move forward faster.

    You’re going to be ok! A therapist might help you move forward faster, and help you give yourself more grace in the future.

    [–]snap_wilson 43 points44 points  (5 children)

    "I’ve started to let myself go made it so he was no longer attracted to me and thus so no path to marriage"

    Doesn't sound perfect. Also, he's likely in for a rude awakening when he does get married.

    When my ex met me, I had a six-pack. I told her not to get used to it because I was miserable maintaining that shape and wanted to eat more carbs. She said it was fine. It wound up not being fine, lol.

    [–]XanderPaul9 9 points10 points  (4 children)

    This comment should be much higher. If "letting yourself go" is a reason to not marry anymore then he was not perfect.

    [–]InbredLegoExpress 35 points36 points  (0 children)

    letting oneself go can extend to more than just fitness

    [–]zouss 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    No longer finding your partner attractive is a very valid reason to break up

    [–]XanderPaul9 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I never said it wasn't. But if your reasoning for no longer finding them attractice is they've "let themselves go," then you're just shallow. OP referred to them as the "perfect boyfriend " and I would say that if you cant get passed the fact that looks change as you age then perfect isn't a word I would use.

    [–]Anita136 16 points17 points  (2 children)

    Wow, the comments are all over the place. First thing to realise and remember, and its a rule - there is no relationship, especially that long - between one mature and one immature partner. Youre both as mature as the other one.

    Thats the first thing. Just different ways of coping.

    You carry alot of anxiety around emotions and need someone to help you regulate all the time. He also carries alot od anxiety around handling your emotions and ends up with resentment which just kept growing.

    He might learn how to listen and how to show empathy, and you might learn how to postpone your emotional needs and be clear about what you want from the communication.

    You guys had 8 years of lessons on emotional regulation and now its time to actually change your ways in the future.

    Its too early for you to stop seeing him as perfect and only one, but I hope you will realise he was the perfect lesson for your perfect one.

    Go, be happy, and take better care of yourself and others.

    [–]myutnybrtve 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    The only problem you have is your treatment of yourself. I echo the messages recommending therapy. But the further thing to understand is the reason for it. You to aren't broken and need fixing. You arent wrong and need to be set straight. You arent bad and need to be made good.

    You are having a hard time and need help remembering how to love yourself.

    Its easy for us to drift into a reality of treating ourself badly when we perceive the world and its people to be doing that as well. That seems like the correct and right thing. The world treats me like garbage so i must be garbage.

    But really, the world is indifferent. And that is a big difference. We dont deserve to be treat poorly by anyone ever. And its all to easy to forget that.

    You can figure out how to get back to a better place where you treat yourself as you did as a child. Where of course you loved yourself and treated youself kindly. Its not easy. And will require help. But you can do it.

    [–]ViragoRoots 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    8 years together and no engagement? You’re better off without him. Work on you, your happiness, and heal. There is a better match out there for you. 💛

    [–]rruenzel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yikes

    [–]markliversedge 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I was in a long-term relationship with someone that I adored but they projected all their frustrations and stress onto me. It was exhausting and sometimes made me angry.

    We were engaged, and *she* ended it.

    I am here 25 years happily married, looking back and I still cannot believe how lucky I was getting out of that relationship. I would have been so miserable.

    I don't have answers for you, but maybe this will help you understand why ?

    [–]Ladline69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Oooff this is shit... 8 years is a long time - goodluck to you though

    [–]smellyfran 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Sounds so similar to me 15 years ago. Relationship for 5 years, loved together, resigned the lease, and he packed his bags and left for similar reasons you have stated. I was a mess. I had terrible thoughts. It was hell.

    I made a promise to myself. One year to focus on just ME. Was I sad, sure. Did I understand how someone could just up and leave? No and it hurt me so much.

    Did I train and run a marathon? Yes. Did I have a great time meeting people and hooking up? Damn right. Did I focus on my career? Yep.

    After that year I met the man that is now the father of my two kids, we have a house, and I can't imagine being anywhere else right now.

    It hurts. It's stings. In the end, it's the best thing for YOU.

    [–]norm_curl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yes therapy is a helpful tool and I think everyone can benefit from it. HOWEVER, I also don’t think the relationship that ended was with a perfect person. Take this breakup a moment to reset, focus on yourself, and know that being a capable and healthy person will attract the same in a mate.

    Break-ups and change are HARD, especially when you were together for so long. But if he really felt that there wasn’t a path forward in your future, then things ending was for the best.

    [–]OmegaJ8006 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Your issues are not your fault, and your issues are no one else’s problem.

    [–]TeeR1zzle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    He wasn't the perfect boyfriend if he neglected to share his true emotions with you. Communication is very much a two way street. Please be kinder to yourself.

    [–]fishylegs46 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Ummm, he’s not actually a good guy. I’m very sorry you’re in pain now, it’s awful, but you need someone who can handle who you are and the factual reality that bodies change. The good ones take the good with the bad and love you anyway.

    [–]BrilliantAsleep1509 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You’ll flourish without him.

    [–]Animajation 72 points73 points  (104 children)

    If he says things like how you're "letting yourself go" he's not perfect. On the contrary, that's a really asshole thing to say to your partner. After 8 years, if your looks factors that much into his love for you, then you didn't let the best one get away, you lost dead weight.

    Let yourself grieve and feel your pain because a break-up is still a break-up, and that's going to hurt regardless, but do not let this douche bag lower your self worth. You'll find someone better then him.

    [–]PalePerformance666 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I can't believe people are fighting in the comments, claiming putting on some weight can cause such a loss of attraction, that throwing a long relationship away makes sense. This feels so superficial. Aging happens to anyone: men go bald, women fill out more, wrinkles appear, people go grey. Calling these normal aging signs "letting yourself go" is absurd.
    To me someone who lets themselves go, is someone who doesn't shower, who doesn't wash their clothes, mend them, etc. (even that can be from other factors like depression, a partner making this mental illness all about themselves and their sexual attraction is a huge red flag).
    Women already have such higher standards to meet, when it comes to "things that get you labeled as letting yourself go". Dressing plainly, no make up, no dyeing the greys, not following fashion trends, etc. All things men can do and it hardly gets them labeled as "frumpy".

    [–]zephyrseija2 50 points51 points  (89 children)

    I see this as a common refrain on these kinds of posts, but attraction is a critical component of a relationship, and it's not unreasonable for a person, male or female, to lose attraction for their partner due to physical changes like weight gain or lack of exercise. I agree that how a person addresses the subject with their partner is important and saying someone is letting themselves go ain't it, but given the role of physical appearance in attraction, sometimes a person not putting out any effort for how they look reflects on how they feel about the relationship and the needs of their partner.

    [–]inosinateVR 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    I do kind of feel like maybe you can leave that part out if you’re breaking up with someone though. If you’ve already decided to end things and don’t want to keep trying to fix the relationship then at that point it’s just kind of kicking them while they’re already down

    I will say it’s complicated as to what’s really fair to the other person though, if they’re like really pressing you for reasons why and not buying the reasons you’re giving them and saying “I just want to know so I know what I can work on” or whatever then I guess it’s kind of a judgement call if you want to give them an honest answer at that point lol. (But maybe don’t start there)

    [–]Animajation 31 points32 points  (54 children)

    Attractiveness is going to fade, no matter what. You can't stop the aging process, and that's not accounting for things like illnesses or accidents that cause visible bodily damage. If you're basing how long your relationships last on how attractive your partner remains to you, you're never going to have a lasting relationship.

    [–]zephyrseija2 30 points31 points  (53 children)

    There are things you can control and things you can't, and the majority of the time when people say things like "you're letting yourself go" what they mean is you're getting fat. If you don't take care of the things that you can control, it makes the effects of the things you can't that much worse. That said, there are certainly plenty of assholes out there that want to move on to a younger model every ten years. Net, I don't think it's as simple as saying people who care about attraction that much didn't really love you. It's hard to watch your partner let their health go.

    [–]CanyonOfFoxes 16 points17 points  (31 children)

    I agree with you. I think it’s less about aging (no one can be faulted for that) and more about things your partner can control, like brushing their hair, showering, taking care of yellow teeth (white strips are cheap), just stuff that shows they care to groom themselves. It shows psychological wellness and that they care to be attractive to you. It’s especially frustrating if you’re putting in effort to be attractive to them and it’s not reciprocated. Obviously everyone’s needs and standards are different, but I don’t think it’s bad to find attraction important.

    [–]Animajation 5 points6 points  (20 children)

    Weight is another thing that naturally happens with age though. Especially after being pregnant, women commonly will gain weight a lot easier.

    Men can gain weight from too much drinking.

    Do you decide to maintain your attraction to someone even if they lose all their hair? Or they gain weight because of pregnancy, but then if they don't always shave you're not attracted to them anymore because they're "letting themselves go"?

    If someone is so shallow that they will break up with their partner over attractiveness, they are never going to keep a partner. That's just fact. No one stays attractive forever.

    [–]FriendlyCapybara1234 2 points3 points  (18 children)

    Attraction isn’t something that most people can just “decide to maintain.” And if you’re not attracted to your partner who is only 30 and hasn’t been pregnant, it’s not going to get better.

    [–]Animajation 13 points14 points  (17 children)

    Then those people can stay single. They're never going to find a person who stay attractive forever.

    At least the rest of us don't have to deal with them.

    [–]FriendlyCapybara1234 1 point2 points  (16 children)

    Do you date people you aren’t attracted to?

    [–]Animajation 7 points8 points  (15 children)

    Yup.

    Attractiveness for me is tied to personality, not looks.

    I've dated short people, tall people, fat people...A lot of men I've dated were either already bald, or balding. That's just what happens.

    [–]FriendlyCapybara1234 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    Only someone with an incredibly ugly personality would call their partner unattractive, much less brag about it like you’re doing in order to call everyone else shallow.

    [–]Exarch-of-Sechrima 1 point2 points  (9 children)

    Attractiveness for me is tied to personality, not looks.

    So actually, no, you don't date people you aren't attracted to. You just have a different metric for attraction.

    [–]scytob 5 points6 points  (32 children)

    i would say then that the relationship is a surface attraction at best and not a real or helathy relationship, no wonder people have relationship issues - fat, lol, imagine their reaction once they start to grey, have wrinlkles, saggy skin, smell of pee ;-)

    (and yes of course people should keep themselves clean, etc etc - the OPs man was talking about being fat)

    [–]navespb 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Best answer yet, IMHO 

    [–]Icy_Purple8082 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    Thank you❤️ my self-worth truly has taken a beating. Hearing that he lost his attraction to me cut deep

    [–]JnCsmom 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    That is a very common, classic, covered statement that most, if not all men say when they want to cut ties and not admit their own false and insecurities. And this should be your lesson that you should never connect yourself confidence, your self worth, your self validation, to anyone and especially any man’s attraction to you. 

    You are worth so much more than that. Know it. Believe it. And own it.

    [–]dksprocket 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    That and his lack of emotional availability makes him far from a perfect partner indeed.

    [–]InAcquaVeritas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    When she heals, she will see how much better she is without the asshole dragging her down.

    load more comments (7 replies)

      [–]Minflick 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      You were not perfect for each other. Don't accept all the blame for yourself.

      [–]Tictacs_and_strategy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I'm sorry to hear it. For what it's worth, the "perfect boyfriend" doesn't leave. The "perfect boyfriend" does not suppress his emotions so long that he no longer finds you attractive.

      Not to say you are blameless. It takes two to tango and all that. But he was not perfect, and it wasn't one thing that you did that caused him to leave. Both of you made choices, good and bad. Both of you had habits and feelings and behaviours that contributed to this.

      You deserve to be happy. You will be happy again.

      [–]_Idontknow_ 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      8 years and no proposal. Breaks up without having previously expressed the deal breakers that apparently sent him to the edge. Doesn't sound perfect to me. I think in a year, you're going to look back and see a very different image of this man.

      [–]thoseradstars 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Yep. It’s hard to see it now, but almost no illusion can stand the test of the time.

      [–]MithosYggdrasill1992 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      When you first started realizing that you were having issues, regulating your emotions, the first time or the second time your boyfriend brought it up, why didn’t you get therapy then? I’m very sorry that you’re hurting, but he’s absolutely right to do so in this situation. You cannot use your spouse as your therapist. It’s not healthy and it’s not fair to them. On top of their own emotional load that they have to deal with with themselves, now he has to deal with years on top of it.

      I hope that you’re able to get the therapy that you need, and that life works out for you in the end. This is just a sad moment, it’s not the end. And after you get therapy and you realize what you’ve done, if you two are still friendly, I would suggest you truly apologize to him. Best wishes.

      [–]pearl_mermaid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      He may seem perfect to you right now, but you're gonna notice the cracks.

      You may have done some stuff wrong but you cannot read his mind. As you said, he didn't communicate his feelings. What adds is that you both communicate very differently. I think any issue that is not adultery/ abuse has the potential to be worked upon. He wasn't interested in working on it.

      I feel like the "you've let yourself go" line is the true reason. It really makes me wonder if he wants kids. If he does, I wonder what will happen to this guy when his partner's body changes due to pregnancy.

      [–]BeachWomenz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      The "let myself go" part got little attention. Painful as it may be to accept, dudes have to be physically attracted to you for the relationship to hit on all cylinders. Once that goes, your average dude won't feel like working on the emotional part. Men are that stupid simple. Not sure how big a player that is in this situation, but it was mentioned at the beginning and never mentioned thereafter.

      [–]SmolScreamingBirb 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Oh, girl. I’ve been exactly where you are right now. Two years ago, I ended a 5 year relationship, and it was so hard not to blame myself for losing him because I was so aware of my own role in how things unraveled. But as I started to heal and reflect, I was able to see his flaws and all of the ways I was mistreated by this man I had idealized. You’ll get there too. Healing brings you so much clarity and soon I think you’ll realize you’re much better off. Sending love, this too shall pass. ❤️

      [–]annihilicousvicious 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I know exactly how you feel. But the cliches are sometimes true. You'll get through this. There are internet strangers that hope the best for you queen.

      [–]query_tech_sec 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I am wondering why you thought this was a perfect boyfriend/relationship for you? Because all you are talking about is the issues. A healthy/good relationship generally doesn't have a ton of issues to work out.

      Honestly it sounds like one or both of you weren't emotionally mature enough to be in a long term committed healthy relationship. Bringing up your issues to your partner should usually be okay but I know from experience it takes a toll and that's why if you're using your partner as your therapist or because you don't trust yourself to handle it - that's not healthy.

      But him bringing up you "letting yourself go" can also be a red flag.

      Maybe you two just weren't that compatible - but it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to really reflect on that until you have had some time to process and grieve.

      [–]No_Role2054 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I also never knew the extent to which this affected him because he so rarely communicated his true feelings to me.

      I personally think this is one of the worst and most unfair things a person can do in a relationship. I know it’s harder for some people to express themselves than others. But him not giving you the whole story, on a regular basis, puts you at such a disadvantage. And you will likely sense this lack of transparency and it will contribute to your anxiety, which he will then criticize you for, and use to justify his evasiveness, when he was already being invasive to begin with. Maybe I’m projecting but I had a partner like this and he also would (very occasionally) say my emotions affected him too, but it turns out he was trying to guilt trip me. Saying those kind things to you and then breaking up with you 8 hours later is so cowardly of him. I know it hurts now but I hope that with time you will admire him less for having done it that way.

      [–]SouthernHiker1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My friend dated a guy for six years. She had a well-known plan to everyone that she wanted to get married by a certain age. That age is two years back. She finally broke up with him, and then he started showing his true self being extremely ugly and threatening to her. She then met a new guy who is absolutely amazing. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s engaged in the next 6 months.

      Don’t sell yourself short. Your Ex isn’t as great as you think he is. Grieve the relationship, and then move on to find a better partner. You’re worthy of being treated much better.

      [–]winning at brow gameFleurDisLeela 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      take this gift as is. he ain’t the one.

      [–]PantheraFeliformia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Because you 'let yourself go'?!

      Your not some sort of object like a car that needs to be on show for him.

      I'm sorry he didn't respect you as you should be.

      [–]NoneOfThisMatters_XO 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      He said you let yourself go?? Definitely not a perfect guy at all then.

      [–]pwnkage 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Me and my partner talk to each other about our emotions and we regulate together. I also got fatter and he says I am as beautiful as ever.

      It is normal to lean on your partner for emotional support. It is NORMAL. If men were useless for emotional support, then why would we need men???

      Good riddance, you guys didn’t have a partnership. He was just sitting there like a potato and he sounds just like one of my exes.

      [–]xoRomaCheena31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Based on him breaking up with you, he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend. You said it yourself— you never would have left him after the ups and downs, but he did. Grief is its own process so good luck with it, but you are not to blame. Blame sucks. You can take responsibility for your part, but it’s unreasonable to hate yourself or blame yourself for the entire relationship ending. I wish you luck and def feel your pain (empathy though, not sympathy). Good luck! 🙏❤️

      [–]marissahatestickles 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Was it actually the best relationship if he never communicated his true feelings to you?

      [–]Barkingatthemoon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Best bf … so far . You’re so young

      [–]ryaninwi 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      He definitely didn’t have to word things the way he did, and it seems to me this is stemming from communication issues as well.

      Some people (often times men) are wired to problem solve. I’ve been married for 21 years now, and I used to be the same way. About 15 years ago, my wife and I came up with a system where we’ll communicate up front by saying “I just need to vent” or “I just need someone to listen” when we don’t need advice. Conversely, we’ll start a co go with “I could use some help” or “I need advice” when that’s what we need.

      I know it sounds a little rudimentary, but me hearing that when my wife first starts talking allows me to turn off the logic/problem solving part of my brain and just listen. Again, may not work for everyone, and may seem “unnecessary” to others, but it has really helped us.

      [–]thoseradstars 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      It’s true. I’m not a man but I am hard wired to problem solve. Probably why I was an ops manager… or just management in general. I learned from one of my best friends how infuriating it can be for others when they just need to vent or want some insight without the problem being fixed.

      It’s hard to be with someone “in the shit,” so to speak. But that’s what some people need.

      So asking what they need is the best course of action. If I know that, then I know how to proceed in a way that is helpful for us both.

      [–]shinmegumi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Hi! I’m so very sorry you’re going through a bad breakup. I would just like to point out that his failure to communicate his concerns clearly means he certainly was not the “perfect boyfriend”, because no one is perfect. Relationships are always messy, and the best way to navigate it is to talk to each other earlier rather than later. Best of luck in your future, but I have no doubt you will have matured from your relationship and will find something with a better fit for you next time!

      [–]PrettyRichHun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I thought my ex was the best Id ever have as a partner too. Because he was the best compared to guys I dated before him. But I feel that we make better choices as we mature and the proof for me is my SO who is the bst human and friend I have ever had. Im sorry your ex left but a person who leaves you and grumbles about your body on the way out is not the best life has to offer you. Please do work on yourself but dont live life from that weird perspective where you call an ex perfect. He was not. I dont even know him but perfect people dont exist and those who are nearly perfect dont body shame their partners

      [–]charlottelucas27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He wasn’t the perfect partner for you.

      He also appears to be quite superficial. “No longer attracted to you?” Because your body has changed?

      [–]IfYoureAsking 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What made him supposedly perfect? You mention that he didn't actually listen to you when you shared, he couldn't communicate his feelings, he effectively called you unattractive, he ultimately weaponized your leaning on him as your partner, and he complimented you the same day he dumped you.

      This hurts right now. But breaking up with someone who you dated effectively the moment you became an adult will likely help in some time.

      [–]_Maddy02 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Breakups are tough. Please know that you are worthy of love the way you are. You tried hard with the awareness and tools you had.

      He was the best yet. He couldn't hold space for you emotionally the way you needed it and didn't explore solutions the way you did. You overlooked his shortcomings out of love, but he didn't. It's not your fault. He didn't have the capacity. He is not perfect for you. It could be helpful to write down the reasons on how he couldn't meet your needs. Ex: You didn't feel heard and understood in the relationship. If you haven't already, I would recommend therapy to work through your feelings now. It can help find ways to help regulate your emotions generally.

      It's time to assess your needs in a relationship and work on your improvement areas. There is nothing wrong with relying on your partner emotionally, even if it's just to be heard. In the nicest way possible, you probably need to find the balance here.

      I resonate with you and was in the same spot a year ago. I've decided to a) communicate my needs in a direct and kind way b) check in with my partner weekly since I got blindsided as well, not knowing true feelings and the extent of unhappiness until the last minute. It seems to be a recurring theme on reddit.

      I know it hurts and it's not easy. Please know you aren't alone. Sending virtual hugs if you want one :)

      [–]fraulien_buzz_kill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He's not the best you'll ever have, and you will find great love in your life again. 10 years is a tiny percent of the total years you have in your life to spend loving others.

      I think it's tempting to spend time scrutinizing and internalizing his reasons for leaving the relationship, but his reasons, whether true to false, compelling or uncompelling, don't define you as a person or partner. While as an external person on the internet they sound pretty flimsy, people change a lot from 20 to 30. I think it also might be a trap to frame this as your emotions being "weaponized" against you-- because it would suggest you can't be open to others in the future against them. It sounds like whatever you were experiencing, he believed he couldn't handle it. But yes, any time you open up to someone, it's possible that this opening will result in them realizing they don't like something about you. That's why they call it the mortifying ordeal of being known-- and that never really goes away. The consequence of not opening up is that you never actually get close to anyone else to begin with, regardless of whether they'd reject you later. Even people that are married 20, 30 years sometimes fall out of loving their partner. It's not because you've done anything wrong or are an unlovable person. Currently, I feel like "I can't see a future with you" has kind of become dude talk for "I'm not ready to commit and might never be," while also making it kind of seem like this is their partner's great but unnamable flaw for not "inspiring" that sort of vision. Nonetheless, his reasons for leaving aren't a reflection of your value as a person whatsoever. Maybe they were dealbreakers for him-- fine. They won't be for someone else.

      I think you should take this as permission to engage in some self-care. Talk to you PCP. You could go on an anti-depressant. Also, some lifestyle changes can help manage extreme stress- for me, even though I sometimes hate it, working out is the most effective tool, plus a little weed to once in a while to sleep better, in my darkest periods. You're deserving of and will likely have many more great loves in your life, what matters now is spending some time taking care of yourself and grieving the closing of one door towards a potential future it sounds like you deeply cared about.

      [–]Magopolis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      “my emotions affect him too, but sometimes it felt like he only ever wanted to offer me solutions, rather than listening to what would make me happier in that given moment.” John Gray’s Mars and Venus books are all about this.

      [–]waterbuffahoe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Girl, if he didn't wanna be there for you through the hard stuff, told you that you were "letting yourself go" when you've been struggling, and wasn't good at sharing his emotions, he wasn't perfect. I get you're feeling super sad which is 100% valid, but don't put him on a pedestal either. You WILL find someone that cares about you and understands how to support you, he's by no means the best you'll ever have. You were with him through your entire young adult life! I know it's so so so shitty right now (my partner of 9 years and I took a break earlier this year and later reconciled, but I thought it might've actually been over) but this is also giving you an opportunity to discover yourself and learn to love yourself again. Take your time to grieve and be upset because what you're going through is HARD and sad, but try to remember that you WILL be ok again and you WILL find someone that wants to support you and love you even when you aren't feeling like your best self. Take care of yourself <3

      [–]Flufybunny64 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This does not reflect on your quality as a person at all. This does not predict your future at all. I obviously don't know him, but it could either be that he's not emotionally developed enough to handle your needs, or that there is an incompatability, and those incompatabilities can take time to develope into big enough fissures to have to be addressed. But I do really think that if either party can tell that things aren't going to work out it's better not to prolong it. You should be focused on self care and processing whatever you feel, because it is totally valid. And if you're taking care of yourself and working on improving yourself you will make progress in your life on your own as well as being ready for your next partner if that's something you're interested in pursuing. Whatever you do I hope for all the best for you!

      [–]thist555 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Two people can be good people but still not a great match! You sound fine, probably a lot easier to live with than me, and I found a wonderful second husband after a bad match for the first. Your current man probably met someone he is interested in at work or socially and wants to be off to explore things guilt-free, that's usually what happens. A good man will stick with you through fat and thin, angry and happy, and more. I don't think you need counselling or self-improvement, just find someone more compatible.

      [–]Kavril91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Hey, there are plenty of people commenting on the more important parts here, I just wanted to say that, and I know this from personal experience, when a man listens to your woes and tries to fix it "rather than listen", that is the man caring in the ways they know how. We are not raised to be emotional. We are raised to get things done. So by trying to fix the woes, we are trying to show our care.

      [–]Centrist808 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You know why I've been with my husband for over 30 years? Because he truly is the one. Through thick and thin and faults and all. He was not your one. First try and love yourself and then shit up and head back out there. Ps my husband loves me bc I am whole on my own.

      [–]Hectic_Kebabs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He's not the best one you'll ever have it just feels that way now. 8 years with a lot of ups and downs is definitely a hard hit, and no contact is brutal. In a time you may be questioning every little thing you wont get any honest answers from the source, i hope you're doing okay

      I think that a partner should be okay with your venting, give advice when needed and if its ever too much for them communicate it rather then use it against you later. For a person who loves and cares about you this isn't a chore

      [–]PalePerformance666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Without knowing the background, I'm going to assume he's far from perfect, especially because usually people should talk about their problems. If he lied to you, telling you he thought you were admirable, only to dump you unexpectedly, maybe he should have had "the conversation" with you sooner.
      Also if he told you to go no contact so he can heal, that phrasing to me feels like a red flag, like weaponizing psychological lingo, just to make you feel extra bad. He could have just said he preferred not to drag things and that a clean cut is better, because he's suffering from the break up, instead of making it sound like you're an abuser or something.
      You say that "he so rarely communicated his true feelings to me", that sure isn't healthy too.

      [–]yorickdowne -1 points0 points  (1 child)

      because he so rarely communicated his true feelings to me

      This does not sound like a perfect partner. He’s got some work to do.

      A therapist sounds like a great idea to help you build self esteem. And then you’ll find someone else, someone who does share their true feelings, vulnerably.

      [–]PalePerformance666 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      The men downvoting every comment that tries to stay balanced or tries to imply the sacred bf is not perfect (spoiler, no one is!), are making me cackle.

      [–]juljulj -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

      He’s not perfect for you if he ended it with you. I had a similar conversation with my therapist once about how I was “too much” for the guy I was seeing and leaned on him emotionally. To which she replied, “why do people enter relationships if not to lean on each other?”. It sounds like this guy just wasn’t capable of meeting your needs.

      [–]favouriteghost -4 points-3 points  (1 child)

      I’m sorry to be clear

      - you didnt feel comfortable turning to him for advice/felt guilt and shame if you did

      • he was a bad communicator

      • he didn’t listen to you

      Not to mention “let yourself go” Jesus Christ

      I’m not trying to undermine how painful this is and will be, especially with the whiplash of what he said just earlier the same day. But instead I’m just trying to reframe for you

      Bad communicator, doesn’t want to help you, doesn’t listen, you feel shame for trusting and sharing with him. He’s right in that the break up was inevitable and he did you a favour by not wasting any more of your time and energy

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