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I can't believe a Reddit post just made me realize my ex raped me (self.TwoXChromosomes)

submitted by amsterdamitaly

I was browsing Reddit and saw an AskReddit post that was "what part of sex do you dislike?", I was curious so I clicked on it and the top comment was "mismatched libidos". I kinda chuckled to myself because that was a major problem in some past relationships so I started typing a response, and as I was typing I had this horrible realization that my ex raped me.

My response was about 2 exes, one was explicitly abusive and he attempted to rape me in my sleep but idk why he just kinda gave up and stopped before he was able to penetrate me and rolled over. I've actually processed the trauma from that event and I'm over it now.

The one that surprised me was realizing the second ex actually did just rape me in my sleep, like kinda often. He had an insanely high sex drive and would masturbate all the time. He'd make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex as often as he did, and he'd cry and ask if I didn't think he was attractive anymore. It made me feel awful. He pretty much told me that if I wasn't available to him whenever he wanted I didn't really love him, and I was holding sex as a cudgel over him.

I.... I honestly don't have words. I'm kind of in shock now realizing what that all meant. I can't remember if I ever explicitly gave him consent to do sex stuff while I was asleep, but I think I kind of agreed to it to keep the peace? I would regularly wake up to him feeling me up and playing with me, I woke up multiple times to him already inside me. I always felt so disgusted and used after those events, but somehow it never registered as rape.

I guess I'm just in shock. I feel stupid only having realized this years later. I'm in such a great relationship now that I can't really fathom how I put up with that for years. Also I'm not sure how it just hit me that was rape. I had previously given my husband consent to initiate sex while I was asleep because ngl I thought it'd be kind of fun (I was only thinking of the trauma from ex 1, I didn't realize I had trauma from ex 2 at the time) but the one time he tried I woke up and absolutely froze in terror. He stopped, we talked about it the next day and I revoked consent for that kind of play. He felt terrible for scaring me no matter how much I assured him that I didn't know it would trigger a reaction like that.

I think I'm just really lost as to how to process this right now. I'm not sure if I'm looking for sympathy or support or just someone to hear me. I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday, and my therapist knows about my unfortunate history with rape so we'll definitely be talking about this. I think I just want a sympathetic ear in the meantime.

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[–]crindy- 90 points91 points  (0 children)

I had the exact same experience, and also didn't fully register how fucked up it was until the tail end (when it started to turn into more blatant rape.) I mentioned the sleep thing to a friend after I finally left him, and she just stared at me for a few seconds and goes, "so... he was regularly raping you?" Always jarring when you can see someone reacting in real time to something that you convinced yourself was normal somehow.

I am so sorry that you experienced this. You deserve so much better.

[–]Coffee Coffee CoffeeSnarkyBeanBroth 370 points371 points  (2 children)

Sometimes you have to wait until you are in a safer place to be able to look back. Denial can be a survival mechanism. It seems hopeful, even if it is disconcerting and upsetting, that you now feel safe and strong enough to see your history more clearly.

Source: Fellow escapee.

[–]raspberryroar 10 points11 points  (1 child)

This was one of the hardest parts of healing. I got to the point where I was a safe person for myself, and thought that was a final boss of this whole process. Getting to that place made me realize how much harm I had experienced in my life, and that lead to more grief. 

[–]Slow-Ad-2431 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep.

[–]Morgsw029 86 points87 points  (0 children)

Im so sorry, im with ya. My sudden realization came when my bf at the time was recalling an event during the sex we had, and I couldn't remember it. I told him, "idk maybe I was asleep." And his response was a very serious "uh no...Im not going to rape you." Then I realized a lot of the sex with my ex before him was rape. It wasn't normal to wake up just as he's finishing (without previously discussed consent) He also had a high sex drive (extreme understatment..he was a sex addict..in the MOST unhealthiest way) we were on and off again, but the very last time he tried to initiate sex while I was asleep, I also had a panic episode, but instead of freezing, I FLIPPED... smacking, screaming all while I was still half asleep. He was spooked but clearly knew he fucked up cause he didnt say a thing. I almost forgot it until it came rushing back to me the next day.

It's a strange thing to suddenly process trauma you didn't realize was trauma. Especially when you always thought something like RAPE would be black and white. I had a lot of things to work thru with later partners that I eventually was able to tie back to the assaults.

Healing from that kind of realization takes time, but you’re already doing the hard part by seeing it for what it was. Be gentle with yourself.

[–]Screaming_lambs 28 points29 points  (0 children)

He sounds pretty much like one of my exes. Also "you'd do it if you loved me"

[–]When you're a humanfairyfrogger 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I had a similar realization a few years back while talking about exes that weren’t bad people, ironically. I told my friend, “The only bad thing he ever did was have sex with me while I was asleep.”, and it just clicked. I knew what he did wasn’t okay and it felt like sexual assault when it happened, but it’s like I couldn’t accept that this good person who treated me well was sexually assaulting me. He was also my first relationship after an extremely abusive marriage, and I tried so hard to pick a good person to be with so accepting that I was being assaulted meant accepting that my efforts and vigilance didn’t matter. It’s like my brain created a disconnect so I didn’t have to face all of that, and only allowed the connection to be made when I was in a better place with myself.

I’ve since healed from everything in my past relationships (arguable, but I feel as though I have), and I hope the same for you.

[–]amsterdamitaly[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's actually what made the realization more shocking for me. In the past I've defended him saying he wasn't a bad person, he just wasn't the right person for me. Realizing maybe he was actually a bad person just sucks all around, it sucks to realize I'd been assaulted by him numerous times and it sucks to realize I'd been defending someone who would do that to me. I agree, I think I also was only able to make the connection now that I'm a few years removed from the situation and in a much better place.

I'm still working on healing, but I have a great therapist and my husband is amazing :)

[–]All_is_a_conspiracy 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Jesus. I'm so sorry they did that to you. I feel for the woman your ex is likely raping right now. Coercion is also assault. Making you feel guilty is coercive. It's cruel and he knew it. I'm sorry again.

[–]liztonicedtea 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I had the sleep thing happen to me to by an ex - he broke up with me about 12 hours afterward and it caused me to have a total breakdown. I was messed up for months and still carry the trauma years later. I didn’t realize it was assault until a year or two later as well. Sometimes our body has to help us survive, so we process it later. You’re not alone. It’s so sad how many women go through this. I’m sorry this happened to you.

[–]Timeforquestions99 11 points12 points  (2 children)

My ex had anal with me in my sleep and then sent me roses the next day "sorry I raped you," and I was in such an emotionally abusive marriage that even then, I just sort of laughed it off. I didn't understand how fucked up things had gotten until I was out. :( Even now, many years later, crazy memories surface.

[–]amsterdamitaly[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Jesus fucking christ that's disgusting. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, I hope you're in a better place now :<

[–]Timeforquestions99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely am. Thank you.

[–]bahnuk 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I was in similar situation, I was raped by my older cousins friend when I was 10, but I only realized what actually happened when I was 25, and because I was living in denial for so long, I think the moment of realization was just as traumatizing, if not more, than the assault itself. I was groomed and whenever I'd think of it, I thought that I "let him do this to me". it took me sometime to process this, but eventually my mind calmed. its so baffling, why some men are not capable of understanding what consent means.

[–]Infamous_Top677 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I just want to say - even if at one point you may have just agreed to keep the peace, that is still coercion and rape.

My husband (thankfully) understands that if I don't explicitly state that im giving consent for night sexual activity, then it is not an option. Even when he's been horny and waiting/hoping for sex, if I didn't provide consent that evening, (and not drinking), then he just has to be patient.

Regardless of mismatched libidos you were assaulted and abused by the one person who you should have been able to trust. Please, talk to someone and see about your mental health. This realization may exacerbate the trauma you have endured.

Take care of yourself and your mental health.

Please remember that you deserve much much better ❤️

[–]amsterdamitaly[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Thank you <3

I have a great therapist that I recently restarted seeing (to deal with totally unrelated job stress, but this will be a fun thing to throw on the plate too) and an amazingly supportive husband so I've got good support around me :)

[–]Infamous_Top677 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is key. Cherish your support network. And honestly, your therapist may recommend additional therapy to help with this.

Its a blow. But I am so glad you are working with your therapist ❤️❤️

[–]koredish 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I didn’t realize a similar thing had happened to me until one night when my now-husband and I were getting intimate and I had an insanely visceral reaction to a way he touched me, like immediately burst into tears and became panicked. It’s taken like almost 8 years of therapy to deal with it

[–]AsheliaRose 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been in a self reflecting position lately and it is true that once youre in a safer place realization hits you.

I found out that my first boyfriend was actually quite abusive and me not thinking anything of it used to make excuses. The biggest realization was when one day it dawned on me that he tried to get me pregnant on purpose and refused to help me get emergency contraceptives. He played it off like an accident, and then when I finally got my hands on it- he told everyone I took it out of spite to him and it was to rub it in his face. Luckily our friends saw right through his nonsense.

I wish you nothing but the best in this life and I hope you end up in an even better place 💛

[–]Slow-Ad-2431 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish I knew what to say to make this hurt less. I'm sorry. 

I'm not surprised you didn't process this until now. Sometimes you just aren't ready to face something that terrible. 

[–]pepcorn 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not your fault.

Rape is so normalised in our society. Rape culture is real, and expects women to accept it from their significant others.

It makes sense that you couldn't see it clearly. 

It's not your fault, it's his fault.

I hope you can heal.