Hi reddit,

I (30F) need some clarity and maybe just someone to listen. I feel so confused, hurt, and gaslighted right now.

My husband (36M) has a long-standing habit of hoarding toys. Yes, toys. He buys collector's items, figurines, model kits, and all kinds of collectibles. It’s honestly taken over our entire house. Every room, the cabinets, under the beds, and even drawers meant for clothes or daily essentials are filled with his things. I barely have space for my own personal belongings. I only allow myself to keep two bags for work because there’s literally no room.

To make space for his ever-growing collection, he has even started throwing away my kids’ belongings, including their drawings, toys, and practical items, while keeping all of his own. Our home is suffocating under the clutter he refuses to part with.

The other night, he said he wanted to tidy up a room for our toddler. That room used to be his toy storage, so I was cautiously hopeful. But instead of decluttering, he simply moved all the toys into the living room. So now our main living space, where the kids are meant to play, where we eat, and where we relax, is just another storage room for his collection.

Meanwhile, he's still buying new toys. Just in the last five days, he has purchased several more.

The fight that night:

When I saw the living room filled with his toys again, I was furious. I told him this wasn’t okay and that we needed space for the kids. His response?

“If you don’t have enough money to get a bigger house, don’t give birth to two kids.”

That was beyond hurtful. I’m currently on maternity leave and only three months postpartum. I’ve been physically and emotionally exhausted, and I’ll admit I was extremely emotional in that moment. I lost it. I slapped his chest a few times out of frustration. Then I picked up one of his toy figures and threw it into the trash.

That’s when he snapped.

He bit me, scratched me, and punched my arm.
He left visible bruises and scratches on my body.
I ended up crying in pain and shock. And all he said was:

“Stop acting like you’re the victim.”

Since that night, my husband has been apologizing repeatedly. He keeps saying he didn’t mean it, that he lost control, and that he regrets what happened. But something in me has changed.

Even though I hear his apologies, I can’t shake the belief that once a man starts hitting a woman, that’s the end of the relationship.

Honestly, divorce is already on my mind. I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t trust that it won’t happen again. I can’t raise my children in a home where violence is ever considered an option.

I told our preacher what happened. He’s someone who has been acting like a marriage counselor between us. He’s from the same church my mother-in-law attends. To be honest, I’ve always felt like my MIL spoils my husband and excuses everything he does. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been badmouthing me to the preacher behind my back.

In the past, when my husband was emotionally abusing me, calling me a bad mother and constantly insulting me, I suggested that we go to a professional counselor. I believed his childhood trauma might be part of the reason he behaves this way. But the preacher said,
“No need to go to professionals. Just give your pain to God. He will heal it.”

Now, even after my husband has physically assaulted me, I went back to the preacher hoping for support. And he told me this:

“You need to self-reflect on what responsibility you carry for this outcome.” “If you threw something he valued in the trash, are you surprised he got angry?” “He didn’t mean to hurt you. He just lost control.”

He made me feel like it was my fault for being hit.
Like I had provoked him.
Like his violence was understandable and my reaction was the problem.

I can't believe someone in spiritual authority would say that to me.
I feel betrayed, humiliated, and even more alone.

I have four questions:

1. Am I really responsible for being hit by my husband?
   
2. Am I right to call this domestic abuse?
   
3. Why would a preacher, someone I trusted, say something like that to me?
   
4. Is divorce the only option now that physical violence has happened?

I’m trying to stay strong for my kids. But I feel like the people who should be helping me are the ones making me feel the worst.

Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate any insight or support you can give.

UPDATE:

Thank you all so much for your comments, support, and for validating the pain I’ve been enduring, especially in this marriage (soon to be ex-marriage). Your words gave me strength when I felt completely dismissed by everyone around me.

As an update: I went to see a doctor to document the bruises and scratches, part of preparing for possible legal proceedings. But yet again, I was met with disappointment.

The doctor (a man) asked what happened. I told him I was bitten by my husband, and asked if he could document it as domestic abuse causing injury on my arm, for potential court use in the future. His response is

“Did you provoke him and hit him too?”

I told him yes, I had slapped his chest a few times during the fight out of frustration. And then he said:

“Then it’s just a quarrel between couples. I don’t think you want to go down that route so quickly. Are you sure you want a divorce?”

I told him firmly:
“I need this documented to protect myself, whether I file for divorce now or later.”

He looked at me, smiled, and said:
“Okay, if you say so.”

Then he wrote:
“Patient allegedly being abused by husband causing (R) arm injury.”

No further detail. No empathy. No protection. Just minimization and judgment, again.

I can’t put into words how deeply disappointed I am with this society. First thechurch leaders, now the medical system. I must mention that I live in an Asian country, where patriarchy still dominates everythinng, even in 2025.

Here, women are still expected to obey, to stay silent, to endure. We are still treated like property, where marriage customs like the groom’s family giving money to the bride’s family still exist, like a daughter is being “sold off”.

That explains a lot of what I’m going through.

But here’s what I want to say now: I’m done.

I’m actually a divorce lawyer myself, and I’ve seen this kind of injustice in the courtroom, but now I’m living it firsthand. And I’m done with the gaslighting, the victim-blaming, the cultural BS.

I’ll be handling my own divorce process. I’ll be shutting all this down, legally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Thank you again to this community.