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TW Boyfriend crossed a sexual boundary (self.TwoXChromosomes)

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[–]Vivian-Midnight 110 points111 points  (1 child)

If you told him literally to ask verbally rather than touching a private area of your body, and he continued touching you there before asking, that's violating a boundary.

And even if he had asked verbally instead of touching you in a way he knew you didn't like, asking repeatedly after a firm 'no' is still failing to respect a boundary, if not necessarily violating it.

[–]Playful_Demands 99 points100 points  (1 child)

My personal experience only:

This will not stop, in fact it will escalate. He is “testing” what he can get away with. Perhaps you’ll finally get so tired of his pleading, begging, not taking no for an answer, etc. that you’ll finally give in and just let him…he’d be great with that since it gives him what he wants. Ah, but now that he sees there is a way to get you to do anal, the whole cycle starts over.

You NEVER have to do any type of anal play/sex unless YOU want to. If a partner tries to guilt trip you, or repeatedly crosses your plainly stated boundaries, well… Thing is, you DESERVE a partner who meets your needs and makes you feel special, not one where you have to be on guard for constant coercive behavior.

EDIT: Again, this is only based on what I have personally experienced as a woman

[–]miraculum_one 23 points24 points  (0 children)

He is trying to wear her down. It's a form of coercion and it is wrong on every level.

[–]MLeek 25 points26 points  (0 children)

You probably should break up. If that is where your mind is at, you should listen to those feelings.

If you don't break up, at least for your own safety you need to tell him anal sex is off the table. Tell him he is no longer to ask, at all. Not with his words or his hands or in any other way. The answer is No. It always no.

The new boundary is he cannot even ask, because he cannot be trusted to even ask.

You will inform him when, and if, he has earned this trust back. Right now, you can't trust his judgment on this.

If he has a problem with that, absolutely break up.

[–]Sassy_Lass 25 points26 points  (3 children)

If you can't have a conversation about it with him and very clearly state your boundaries and make sure he can repeat them back and that he understands...you probably don't have the relationship you want or deserve. Not all men, but a whole lot of men don't do subtle. They need clear and concise communication when their hormones are NOT engaged

[–]Present_Arm9451 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Unless he's incredibly thick, he knows full well you don't want his finger up your bum.

I'm guessing he's not incredibly thick, but likes to pretend to be when it suits him 🙄

It's a tale as old as time and the history of mankind.

Do the right thing for you. As a woman, you need to rely on yourself in this life; actually, it's a must. Never doubt yourself or the feelings you have when it comes to how a person (especially men, who are physically stronger than us) makes you feel - this is my advice. Those feelings are your safety guides.

[–]MoonageDayscream 61 points62 points  (1 child)

He's pretending tonask, but what hes saying is that he's going to do it eventually so you better just let him. 

I would look him dead in the eye and tell him that asking even one more time is a deal breaker, the relationship is over, and if he ever crosses that boundary you will have him arrested. 

Or, you could just find a man who isn't a threat to your safety.  

[–]Present_Arm9451 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes, a predator in the making. The hallmark signs are right there.

[–]#2Blessed2BStressedAntiqueObligation688 32 points33 points  (0 children)

It is coercive, you are spot on.

I think men's obsession for the anus should be seriously studied.

[–]ToiIetGhost 26 points27 points  (3 children)

He’s testing the waters. “What will she tolerate? What can I get away with?” This is coercion, full stop. When you’re deeper into the relationship and he feels you’re vulnerable or trapped, he will escalate. This is someone who sees your body as a thing he can use as he pleases. In his eyes, your body isn’t yours, it doesn’t belong to you. That’s why he can touch and penetrate it any way he likes. He either believes that your body belongs to him or that it belongs to no one - free use. That’s why he thinks he’s allowed to break the clear boundaries you’ve set (“she’s just yapping”).

Why does he do this? (1) He sees your body as an object he can use to masturbate, like a fleshlight. Nonconsensual sex/touch doesn’t count as having sex with someone. It’s a solo act. That part is guaranteed. (2) He might get a thrill out of hurting/forcing you. Both of these motivating factors are selfish, misogynistic, antisocial, and dangerous.

That’s the mentality behind his current actions. That sort of mentality doesn’t change, only the actions do - which is why I said he’s testing the waters. This is a “small” act of coercion based on a deep seated view of women’s bodies. Only the intensity of the acts will change, not his views.

It will get worse. If you ever got super drunk or high around him, or if you were sick with the flu, or if you were sleeping, those are all prime times that he might take advantage of you. Your current ability to protest and tell him “no” is an inconvenience in his mind, but that ability goes away when you’re unconscious.

Of course, it’s always recommended to leave a sexually coercive partner the first time they coerce you. However, if you stay (which I don’t recommend, but let’s be realistic that happens a lot), then make sure you are NEVER vulnerable around him. Don’t get drunk or high around him, don’t sleep in the same bed (unconscious), don’t let him come over when you’re sick, don’t be financially dependent on him, don’t move in together, don’t go anywhere remote with him, and DO NOT get pregnant. (See how limited you are when you can’t trust a man not to force himself on you? What kind of relationship is that.)

If you choose to “talk it out” with him, he’ll say all the right things. He didn’t mean to, he respects you, he wasn’t thinking, it was an accident, he’ll never do it again. Every single one of those things will be a lie.

[–]Playful_Demands 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I wish I could upbote this response 100x

[–]DNF29 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well said!

[–]happylilaccidents 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He’s trying to test his boundaries. Stand firm

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You have to leave him. A person with sense does not need to be told no multiple times. He's doing it on purpose and does not give a fuck about your boundaries. Sorry for putting it so bluntly. He's hoping you'll just give in. It's an indicator that he'll cross other boundaries in the future if it benefits him.

[–]DescriptionFancy420 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Stick a finger up his ass next time he asks for a blowie. And break up with him, that's the important part.

[–]ArtBear1212 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The line “That’s ok we don’t have to” feels really wrong. It isn’t a negotiation. You said no.

[–]femputer1 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Dump this fucking loser. How many times have you been told NO about anything and kept on doing it, in your life? Like past the age of 10?

[–]warfishxxx 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He is a child and you should leave him post haste, not respecting your boundaries is a giant red flag.

[–]noratorious 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He knows exactly what he's doing, and he's doing it on purpose. He does not care whether you like it or not. He does not respect your boundaries and will keep pushing them until you relent or leave.

Men who respect boundaries don't need to be told twice.

The choice is up to you what you do about it. But remember this: boundaries only exist when we reinforce them.

[–]AshEliseB 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you plan on trying to save this relationship, you need to sit him down, outside of the bedroom, and communicate very clearly your boundaries.

Having said that, I don't think you should stay. He understands. He just doesn't want to accept your boundaries. He is trying to wear you down and get you to give in to what he wants. Which is totally unacceptable.

[–]YouStupidBench 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Maybe you should just tell him directly: "My butt is an exit, not an entrance. If that's a dealbreaker for you, this deal is broken. You pestering me about it is a dealbreaker for me, so stop it or go find someone else. This is the last discussion we're having about this subject."

[–]LavishnessStatus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe telling him a no is a blanket no until you personally say so? And if you aren't open to stuff in your butt at all, then definitely say that and that it applies always?

Of course if you feel like you really can't trust him with this and going forward then you should listen to your gut and break up with him

[–]SadExercises420 0 points1 point  (5 children)

How long have you been with this guy? 

[–]Bi-secting_mylife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah he’s a jerk and needs to learn a no means no. Do the same thing to him next time… see if he likes it. A man who is insistent upon butt play yet doesn’t allow it on himself is the biggest turn off I’ve ever seen

[–]BiggsHoson2020 -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

I’m a big proponent of “You do not need a reason to end a relationship.” If it isn’t what you want, that’s that. You should never need to justify leaving to anybody else.

That said, if this is the one thing and otherwise you want to stay with this guy… This case speaks a lot to inexperience and just failure to communicate. We do a pretty piss poor job of teaching communication around sex and uncomfortable topics.

Something we could learn a bit of from the kink community is their approach to communication. Where a big component is letting people explore outside their comfort zones and find out where their boundaries might be - negotiation and communication are huge. And the most basic is to never renegotiate during a scene. Taken to more Vanilla sex that means if you want to try something new - you talk about it when everybody is clothed and sober. There is no trying to push bounds in the moment. Whether with this guy or whomever you are with next - stick to that. Even if it sounds interesting to you “Ask me again when we have clothes on.”

[–]thoward37 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i would bring it up, sober & serious, and tell him in no uncertain terms that it bothered you that he asked twice and that this will not be tolerated again... but then follow up by reassuring him that he doesn't have to ask and that you will tell him when you want that. instead of him feeling like he has to ask/check-in, just let him know that you'll tell him when you want it, but otherwise he should just assume that you do not.