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My fiance “raped” me and idk what to doSupport | Trigger (self.TwoXChromosomes)

submitted by Effective_Customer24

So it happened a couple of months ago. Basically long story short we had gone out drinking with some friends earlier and he had asked me if we could you know do the deed that night and I had told him no I wasn’t feeling like it. When we got home, I remember I changed and he had still asked me like if we can do something and I still told him no. That’s all I really remember from that part because I was super drunk but then later I woke up to him being in the shower cause he was making noise but when I woke up, my underwear was at my ankles and I had no shirt on anymore so I had gone up to him and I asked him what happened like why why was I naked And he first was like “oh I don’t know” but then after I kept asking he said “we had sex you don’t remember” and I kept telling him no I didn’t. I told him I didn’t want to but he was like “yeah but then you ended up wanting to I’m like “OK so I said yes” he said well “you were mumbling” and that’s when I clicked for me and I looked at him and I was like “did I ever actually say anything to you?”He’s like well it’s cause you were just mumbling but I told him to shut up and to answer my question which to where he finally said that no I didn’t say anything. So I had asked him did you just have sex with me even though I told you I didn’t want to, and even though I couldn’t even tell you anything. And he said yeah that he did so I got mad and I told him so you raped me and he said yeah and I asked him why he was in the shower and he said cause he wanted to feel normal after what he did so from there, I had a panic attack and didn’t really know what to do And ever since that night I just haven’t really felt anything towards him and we’re supposed to get married in a month, but for the past two months, I’ve been really contemplating over what to do and I don’t know if I’m overreacting so kinda looking for advice here. (I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I’m sleep deprived at 2 am overthinking and decided to post this).

MORE: So I took the day off work and I feel calm now where I can give more info. I genuinely just need advice and I seriously appreciate it everyone being kind about my situation. It’s nice to know I’m not crazy. So that same night he also tried to lull himself so I felt like I couldn’t even proceed my pain anymore cause I was trying to take care of him. Before all this happened we would always argue about how he wouldn’t take no for an answer and I would just give in cause there was no point in saying no anymore. It’s crazy though cause this man was perfect. Like seriously I’ve been through some really bad relationships and he was my Prince Charming. He healed me and made me feel safe again. That’s why I can’t understand why he did what he did. He has apologized and begged for forgiveness so much but at the same time it’s like he would forget. We tried having sex again and I ended up just crying right after. And even though that happened he still asked for sex a day or two after. He has always been a high sex drive guy and I was like that at first too but I made it clear to him that my sex drive can disappear sometimes. I wanna say he is a good guy. He’s taken care of me. He bought me a beautiful ring, my dream dog, allows me to take his car everywhere since I had sold mine and helps me navigate through my family drama. That’s why I’m hesitant to let what happened ruin us. But as I read everyone’s comments it all seems so logical to leave. Not sure anymore what the right thing to do is.

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[–]13meows 4069 points4070 points  (40 children)

I feel like the other comments have sufficiently explained that yes, this was rape, and no, you’re not overreacting.

What I want to comment about is the part of you that’s probably thinking how embarrassing/difficult/messy/expensive it will be to call off the wedding one month out. It doesn’t matter. Your safety is what matters. This man will do this to you again if you marry him. Your safest option is to get away, now. Plus (and I can tell you this from my own experiences and that of friends) - it is cheaper, less messy, and less difficult to call off a wedding than to get divorced.

Another thing is the possibility that you’re being (or feel like you’re being) pressured to give him another chance. That to love is to sacrifice and to experience pain. As women, we’re often socialised this way from birth. It’s bullshit, and all it does is keep us from protecting ourselves.

These things were a huge part of the reason why I went through with my marriage to my abuser, and why it took me so long to leave. Please protect yourself, know that you’re not overreacting (if anything it’s honestly an underreaction), and do what’s best for you.

[–]SadAd8761 2218 points2219 points  (8 children)

"it is cheaper, less messy, and less difficult to call off a wedding than to get divorced."

\for those in the back)

[–]StrawberryH 219 points220 points  (0 children)

My male economics high school teacher actually alwsys said this. The wedding is cheap, the divorce isn't. My cousin was going to get married just before Christmas. She was 6 months pregnant, it was like a quickie wedding. He already had kids with another woman (not that it matters) But he had a lot of debt, that my cousin found out just before. My Grandma, who was very traditional. Told her don't marry him, right know. It doesn't matter about the money spent. So she didn't marry him, they did have another child. She's married to someone else now and happy. Her husband is great and they have another little girl together. And her ex also has another Baby Mama. He had restricted access to his first two kids. And I think doesn't see his 2 sons with my cousin that much.

[–]iwishihadahorse 95 points96 points  (3 children)

I have a lil quip for this:

Marriages are cheap. 

Weddings are expensive. 

Divorces will Bankrupt you. 

[–]emo-ly 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Also

Husbands will kill you

[–]livingstories 13 points14 points  (1 child)

this op. And it gets even harder, more expensive, and more miserable if you have a child custody case to navigate on top of a divorce. 

[–]mandersevermeow 12 points13 points  (0 children)

And if they can convince you that they're prince charming, they can convince the judge too.

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    [–]Repulsive_Location 348 points349 points  (3 children)

    My god, this should be the top comment. So many women proceed with a marriage that they know is wrong because they don’t want to deal with the hassle and embarrassment of canceling a wedding.

    The thing is, getting out of a marriage is so much harder than canceling a wedding. It’s so much more expensive and heartbreaking, especially if children are involved. And, unfortunately, many women don’t make it out of a bad marriage.

    OP, this man raped you. Rape is not about sex, it’s about power. You told him no, repeatedly. Yet,he still violated your boundaries and your body. Why would you consider committing yourself to someone who treated you like a hole? He didn’t even see you as a person when he raped you, let as alone his future wife and mother of his children. He showed you who he is in the most horrible way, and I am so sorry. OP, please do not marry him. Contact a sexual assault survivor group and get therapy for this trauma. You deserve great things, not this guy. Good luck to you.

    [–]jendybear 58 points59 points  (1 child)

    And did anyone notice the part where he made it about him and she had to console HIM? 

    [–]sunflowr72 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    There's a name for that. Gaslighting.

    [–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    Almost every single time, for every monstrous court case I read, I think All you had to do was not do what you did. But men-- it's about ninety percent men-- can't seem to do that. Actually, they don't do that. They do horrible shit on the regular just 'skuz. Which is why, I guess, they should be in charge of everything that matters: they're just so much more stable and better at self-control than we are. 

    Mm hm. 

    [–]BearsOwlsFrogs 573 points574 points  (5 children)

    And unfortunately, there may be “friends” or family who try to talk OP out of changing her mind, because aversion to conflict and drama is universal. OP needs to be prepared and avoid letting herself be influenced by anyone trying to talk her into staying with this guy.

    [–]smurfydoesdtown 189 points190 points  (0 children)

    This is what's so crazy to me as an autistic woman. That people will try to talk her out of canceling the wedding just because it's convenient for them to do so. Because they would rather ignore conflict now and have their mate put up with bad shit for the next 40 years. It's just wild.

    [–]joeythenose 36 points37 points  (3 children)

    OP would do well find a person or 2 to hear the whole story, then be there for her as she weathers that storm of pressure from others

    [–]BearsOwlsFrogs 60 points61 points  (2 children)

    Or else just break it off and tell everyone she doesn’t want to talk about it. No explanation, since it’s nobody’s business.

    If she has to say something, I would say “he assaulted me a month before the wedding”, which is true but leaves it open to interpretation. Imo, people are less likely to compel her to stay with him if they think he hit her versus sexual assault.

    [–]Secunda92 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    Sad but true. I live in one of the more progressive parts of the US, and still my gut tells me that this is the sort of thing that most of the people I know would call rape if they read about it in this post, but if they had a friend tell them the same story, they’d downplay and excuse.

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      [–]Powered-by-Chai 92 points93 points  (2 children)

      Yup, calling off a wedding and dealing with that is like a week of suffering, being with a guy who you know is going to have sex with you even if you don't want to is much, much longer suffering.

      The gall of him to act like he also hates himself for doing that. I'm sure the regret conveniently waited until after he finished.

      [–]skatoolaki 23 points24 points  (1 child)

      Certainly so.

      Especially since his "grief and regret" conveniently forced OP, in the moment, to focus on helping him "deal" with the situation. No time for her to process what happened because he immediately flipped the script and made himself the victim.

      He assaulted her then immediately turned the tables so that she was comforting him.

      My sociopathic narcissist ex would do this all the time.

      When he wasn't being a psycho and unimaginably cruel, he was the most wonderful, charming, loving, devoted, passionate partner you could imagine, OP.

      He, too, seemed "perfect" because he genuinely did help me through some dark shite, too, and he was my safe haven.

      Or, I believed he was but now I know that most of that was lovebombing.

      It took me over 20 years to see the truth and get out, OP. I'm still healing and trying to put myself back together. Don't marry this man. Don't subject yourself to a lifetime of manipulation and mental/emotional abuse from someone you can't even trust to not violate you when you're incapacitated and after you've repeatedly said no.

      I'm so sorry you are going through this, but this is not a relationship that should continue and absolutely not one that should become a marriage.

      To be blunt, because you may need to hear it: Do not marry your rapist.

      Please take care of yourself and stay safe.

      [–]not-ordinary 171 points172 points  (0 children)

      OP please read this comment. Lots of people (mostly women) think that the path of least resistance is to continue to stay in an abusive relationship rather than do the “messy” active thing of breaking up. It is much easier to have a short period of mess than to have a long abusive marriage that will still eventually end messily.

      You do not owe this person another chance. They have already shown that they do not think of you as an equal partner.

      [–]phridoo 79 points80 points  (0 children)

      This man will do this to you again if you marry him.

      Speaking as a social worker & someone who knows way too much about this topic, he will almost certainly do worse. Abusers only get worse after marriage & especially after pregnancy.

      @OP, please get your hands on Plan B immediately. You need to sever all connection to this man & prevent any possibility of future connection.

      [–]HoundBerry 74 points75 points  (0 children)

      I second this. My circumstances are a bit different from OP's, my husband wasn't an overt rapist like this (he just pressured, manipulated and badgered me until I said yes to sex whenever he wanted it) but I married my abuser even though I had serious doubts and wanted to back out right before the wedding.

      The marriage didn't even last a year, and I seriously regret not calling it off before I was legally tied to him. It made it SO much harder to leave, and I put up with a lot of abuse in that time we were married. OP, he just showed you who he is. And he will get worse after you're married and he feels like he has you trapped. Getting a divorce is a hell of a lot messier and more expensive than backing out before the wedding.

      [–]Careful_Comedian_118 44 points45 points  (0 children)

      The day of my first wedding I had just this gut feeling of wanting to run away. But I didn’t because I was in my dress. Everyone was there. And on paper he was the right choice. I blamed it on wedding day jitters

      Took me 5 years to realize I should have listened to my gut. Another 3 to leave him.

      I love the life I’ve built now but still dream about going back to that version of myself and shaking her until she agreed to run

      [–]Italianinsomniac 78 points79 points  (0 children)

      This is an extremely important comment. Thank you for writing it.

      I hope you’re in a better situation now.

      [–]artemiis84 69 points70 points  (0 children)

      Thank you for this perspective. I hope that it hits the target and helps her make the right decision.

      [–]thisisnotmyname17 32 points33 points  (1 child)

      You mentioned your abuser and my mind went to: if he did this before they are married, what all kinds and types of abuse are awaiting her? The abuse in many forms will just escalate.

      [–]skatoolaki 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      Absolutely. It almost always ramps up, and quickly, once they feel they've locked their victim into a marriage and/or motherhood.

      [–]ElderberryForeign254 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      Speaking as a person who’s had this happen and luckily I chose never to marry - don’t commit to a man who will do this to you! It’s not worth it! It’s not the only thing that is wrong with them, it wasn’t just a one off mistake - it’s a much deeper problem. If he loves you he will seek help and take responsibility for what he did to you! He hasn’t initiated that on his own and so he’s not worth your commitment! You’re signing your name away and a lot of your rights once married! Don’t do it!

      [–]Kelsusaurus 15 points16 points  (0 children)

      OP, read and re-read the above comment and take their advice to heart.

      Also, if you think you want to report your abuser (you should, even if you don't press charges), make sure to screenshot texts, record conversations (look up laws in your state/country to find out if you need to notify the other person that you are recording), and take copius notes of conversations/behavior.

      I know it seems silly to report him even if you won't be pressing charges, but he will mire than likely repeat this behavior in the future. It would be helpful for anyone who may have the misfortune to encounter/be abused by this piece of trash to have a record of past incidents/crimes should they need to press charges.

      [–]Robot11B 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      I'd go a step further. Call off the wedding and file a police report for sexual assault and abuse. It may go nowhere, but the dude's a predator of the worst type and he'll do it to someone else.

      [–]BanjoTheremin 6 points7 points  (1 child)

      And his mask will slip further once he thinks he has you trapped in marriage!! Don't marry him OP!!

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        [–]Italianinsomniac 1943 points1944 points  (7 children)

        I’m so sorry this happened to you.

        He raped you and admitted to it after you continued to question him.

        He will do this again.

        If you marry this man, he will only feel more and more entitled to your body, regardless of your consent.

        I can’t even imagine what this feels like for you right now, but you still have time to not go through with this wedding. This man cannot be trusted to respect you or to not harm you.

        [–][deleted] 277 points278 points  (3 children)

        This!! This cycle will always continue

        [–]Italianinsomniac 234 points235 points  (2 children)

        With so many men convinced and loudly proclaiming that marital rape doesn’t exist, this would just happen again and again. I could never feel safe with a man who did that.

        It’s just terrible for OP, but this may be a small saving grace to avoid a very bleak future.

        [–][deleted] 80 points81 points  (1 child)

        I just hope she leaves him and reports him too

        [–]Italianinsomniac 38 points39 points  (0 children)

        Me too. My heart aches for so many of the stories I read here, and I hope everybody who reaches out manages to get out of the bad situations, but I am left wondering often. All we can do is try to provide support and advice as Internet strangers. But it takes so much strength to leave…

        [–]chamomilesmile 58 points59 points  (2 children)

        He'll feel even more entitled to doing this after marriage I bet.

        [–]staunch_character 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        ^ 100%

        I firmly believe people can change. But a man who feels like he’s entitled to sex whenever he wants it is not going to magically start respecting his wife’s autonomy, especially if he earns more money or thinks he works hard.

        This is the guy asking your ob/gyn how soon after childbirth you’ll be cleared for sex. 🫤

        [–]Mayayayayaaa2662 350 points351 points  (0 children)

        On top of all the helpful and honest advice above, please take care to prevent pregnancy. Do not marry him, and please for the love of god do not have his child

        [–]Mirawenya 306 points307 points  (3 children)

        Not overreacting. Cancel the wedding, leave him.

        [–]pookyduu 96 points97 points  (0 children)

        Call a lawyer ASAP, file police report, cancel wedding.

        [–]Darthcookie 102 points103 points  (0 children)

        And file a police report.

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          [–]artemiis84 147 points148 points  (0 children)

          He raped you and admitted to it. He's a sick perverted creep. Please cancel that wedding. He's capable of so much more evil. I dont know if you feel its worth it. But I would report it, even if just so its known to whoever looks him up.

          [–]starmoishe 1052 points1053 points  (10 children)

          You DO know what to do. I think you came here looking for support and direction. But, only you can make the decision.

          1. He raped you
          2. He admitted he raped you
          3. He was so aware of the evil he had done that he was trying to shower off his shame.
          4. Do you want to stay because you think this guy is your only chance at happiness or because you have a lot of time and energy invested in him?
          5. My darling Girl, life is hard. This is hard and will be hard to do for a while. But it will be better when you come out the other side. I promise. Otherwise you must find a picture of yourself at age ten. Look at her and tell her why you are staying. Why it’s ok that a man used your body without consent and you said, “Oh, that’s ok”. And then 💒

          P. S. Did he ever ask for forgiveness (without being prompted?

          [–]all_hail_lucipurr 290 points291 points  (8 children)

          THIS!! The fact he felt the need to shower after and openly said so is beyond disgusting!!

          [–]starmoishe 59 points60 points  (6 children)

          I propose we form some sort of support groups or squads of 3-5 woman that will form a group and come to each others aid within 24 hrs. It would have to have some hard name like ‘bad bitch back ups’ or something. I’m assuming we’d be dressed in black and brown leather and lace, sit on this man child’s couch and have a discussion with him. Because I really need to know what was going on in his mind. To me he is just one step up from a pedophile. They say you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat you when you are asleep.

          [–]simply_pixie 26 points27 points  (4 children)

          I want to be a part of this Bad Bitch Squad.

          [–]starmoishe 13 points14 points  (3 children)

          We need leather jackets with patches

          [–]gutsyspirit 11 points12 points  (0 children)

          And those of us who ride motorcycles will roll up for the added effect 😆

          [–]simply_pixie 10 points11 points  (0 children)

          I’m 1000% in… lol

          [–]Polly-Pure-Heart 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          I'll bring the shovels.

          [–]all_hail_lucipurr 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          I love this idea so much! Totally would be down for it 1000%

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            [–]CraftyFlipper 15 points16 points  (0 children)

            Re point 5: isn’t there a saying about choosing your hard?

            Walking away from a marriage is hard but being married to a man who rapes you is infinitely harder.

            [–]sanityjanity 247 points248 points  (2 children)

            DO NOT MARRY THIS RAPIST.

            [–]J_Llo 76 points77 points  (0 children)

            I REPEAT: DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN

            [–]FirstAccGotStolen 11 points12 points  (0 children)

            Damn right, this dude is disgusting, he deserves a long walk off a short plank and not a wedding post which he gets to abuse OP happily ever after.

            [–]Momof2withazoo 115 points116 points  (0 children)

            No need for quotation marks...he admitted it. Run. Now.

            [–]varshhi 112 points113 points  (2 children)

            Like many other commenters have already said, I think you know what you need to do. Which, to be unequivocally clear, is leave him.

            In terms of immediate next steps: 1. Do you have a strong support system? Even one or two people count. And is there anyone nearby? It sounds like you live with your fiance and the first step would be to get out of that house and land somewhere safe. Confide in someone you trust - you don't even have to tell the whole truth yet if you aren't ready, just that you need somewhere safe to crash. 2. This man raped you, plain and simple. There is no grey area here, you were asleep and literally could not consent. And he just went ahead and violated your unconscious body. It is entirely your decision whether you want to move forward with involving authorities or pursuing charges, and ofc this path has repercussions of its own depending on where you live how the justice system works and treats women in these situations. But I do know that in the US where I live, the sooner you report and get yourself to a hospital for a rape exam, the better. 3. Once you're able to snap back into some kind of action, start calling your wedding vendors, cancel everything, get back whatever deposits you can etc. but please do not let the fact that there is a wedding that's already planned, people who would be disappointed etc etc etc to cloud your judgement and make you stay with this man. He will do this again. I had a friend in college whose bf did this to her multiple times in spite of serious conversations she had with him each time, making clear that she didn't like what happened. And there are countless stories like this. 4. If you aren't already in therapy, please seek some care now. This will take some time and internal work to bounce back from.

            And finally, OP, I just wanted to send love and support, one survivor to another. You will get through this. Your heart may cling to love for this man - that is perfectly ok - but you seem to already know that staying would be a mistake. Surround yourself with love from others in your life who care for you. But ultimately, this is a time to be guided by your gut and your head. Good luck, please try to update us ❤️

            [–]saor72 30 points31 points  (1 child)

            Piggybacking here - it is perfectly acceptable to ask for help on #3. Don't worry about leaning on the right folks - your people and support system will want the best for you and will help you back. I left my abusive ex with the support of one (family and folks were across country). What was wild for me was how their support system showed up bc that's how communities work.

            Varshhi said everything else in my heart, and so I'm echoing.

            I'm so sorry, this occurred, and I'm (for what it's worth) am proud of you for reaching out. You are taking your steps towards a better life. Please listen to our words. You are so worthy of love that protects you.

            [–]gutsyspirit 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            Agreed!! OP - you call on any/all of us here for help, you have hundreds of women right here having your back. We’ll cancel them shits and get your deposits back. Hell, well even tell your relatives for you that the wedding is cancelled 🫡

            [–]Pansapio 105 points106 points  (0 children)

            This happened to me, nearly identical, but we were married about 6 months at the time. It didn't stop. It won't stop. Follow your gut. Move out. Or kick him out. Get into therapy and work on healing yourself and never speak to him again.

            CONTENT WARNING: RAPE

            He got more comfortable getting me as sloppy and black out drunk as possible, which made me think that I had a drinking problem and needed help knowing my limits, except my rapist was in charge of my limits. On the nights that I didn't fight back and he got what he wanted, he took care of me and my hangover like a princess. If I resisted or fought back or was too physically ill for him to rape me, the next days were hell and I was verbally berated for being such a sloppy drunk and ruining his night by having him take care of me.

            I finally left after 16 years for other reasons, and over a decade later I finally understand none of it was my fault but do wish I had been strong enough to leave earlier. Please leave. Please. I wish someone had known when it happened the first time and could have explained it to me and given me permission to leave.

            [–]Heavy_Roof7607 255 points256 points  (0 children)

            It’s rape. Don’t marry him.

            [–]Royal_Ad5999 172 points173 points  (0 children)

            My dear, you need to run away from your rapist. Your feelings are important and valid. You can break off the engagement and call off the wedding at any moment. This isn't just a wake-up call, it's thunder. A normal partner isn't aroused by an unconscious body. A normal partner would undress you and put you to bed, putting a glass of water on the nightstand. I hope you have a support group and the opportunity to see a therapist. Even a one-time session can help.

            [–][deleted] 413 points414 points  (1 child)

            He raped you while you were incapacitated and unconscious. There's nothing to debate here. Don't marry this man unless you want to end up like the Pelicot case. Please love yourself enough not to tolerate assault.

            [–]Italianinsomniac 166 points167 points  (0 children)

            I also thought about Madame Gisele.

            I bet that monster tested all types of boundaries, and raped her while unconscious many times in the run up to his extremely complex set of horrific crimes.

            What a truly evil man.

            [–]DearTumbleweed5380 122 points123 points  (1 child)

            A person who is capable of this - both the act and then having to be forced to take accountability - is deeply fucked up. Do not marry this person.

            [–]Qwopie 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            One million times this. 

            [–]Takodanachoochoo 63 points64 points  (0 children)

            Being engaged is like a trial subscription. You can UNSUBSCRIBE. Be grateful that this happened when it did. Please stay strong when he begs for forgiveness.

            [–]Weary-Babys 310 points311 points  (0 children)

            He’s not your boyfriend. He’s your rapist.

            You need to act accordingly.

            [–]christine_de_pizan 35 points36 points  (0 children)

            You are not overreacting. You were assaulted by someone you trusted and love and that is really tough, and heart breaking, and traumatizing. I think the right thing to do is to call off the wedding. It may feel like an "over reaction" but it's not. You need to protect yourself and that is far and away more important than the wedding and the effort of cancelling.

            [–]AlternativeMaster263 34 points35 points  (0 children)

            Don't marry this man under any circumstances. He's raped you once, he'll do it again and again and again.

            [–]Rawshynn 30 points31 points  (0 children)

            “My fiance raped me and I left him”.

            Fixed it for you.

            Edit: he even said he raped you. What more reassurance do you need?

            [–]LittleMsWhoops 30 points31 points  (1 child)

            Others have addressed the part of the rape. What about the rest?

            I wanna say he is a good guy. He’s taken care of me. He bought me a beautiful ring, my dream dog, allows me to take his car everywhere since I had sold mine and helps me navigate through my family drama. That’s why I’m hesitant to let what happened ruin us. 

            Have you ever heard of the concept “poop shake”? Try to imagine the most delicious milk shake imaginable. Now imagine that somehow a tiny bit of poop got into this milk shake. Will you still be able to drink it? No. Should you drink it? NO! Should you toss it? Yes. 

            Unfortunately, there are things that are instant dealbreakers. It doesn’t matter how perfect the rest is - if that thing happens, that milk shake is not consumable anymore, and that relationship has run its course. The milk shake being the perfectly delicious milk shake doesn’t matter anymore once it had poop in it, and anything good that happened in your relationship doesn’t matter either - the only thing that matters is that you aren’t safe anymore in your relationship, and you need to leave asap. I’m sorry, and I hope you’ll heal well, and quicky.

            [–]txa1265 26 points27 points  (0 children)

            NOR

            If you had a friend who asked you "hey this guy RAPED ME and admitted it was rape ... should I marry him?" what would your response be?

            Hopefully you'd grab them by the shoulders and shout NO! DO NOT DO IT!

            As u/13meows perfectly states "it is cheaper, less messy, and less difficult to call off a wedding than to get divorced."

            [–]Dear-Nail-5039 129 points130 points  (0 children)

            No need to put "rape" in quotation marks here, I am very sorry for what happened. As a cis hetero male I would advice to leave him now. Not only is it impossible to trust him on anything in the future, it is also very likely that he will continue to cross your boundaries and hurt you.

            [–]elektrikrobot 43 points44 points  (0 children)

            You need to protect yourself and leave him

            [–]SleepyEntity 20 points21 points  (0 children)

            You are not married to him yet. Think about Giselle Pelicot. She had no idea what her husband was doing to her and had a lot of years invested in their marriage. But she found the courage to leave once she knew. So can you.

            Do not marry this guy. You are not overreacting. Those warning feelings are there for a reason.

            Abusers and rapists do not stop the behavior. They escalate once they have the slightest leeway. Please take care of yourself.

            People will try to pressure you to stay with him but remember, this is about your safety. They have their social agendas. They aren't the ones who have to live with him or deal with whatever pathology made him think this was okay. Please take care.

            [–]createddreams 36 points37 points  (1 child)

            The one person which should be the most invested in your well beeing just did the opposite and completely took away your autonomy. You are not overreacting nor do you overthinking anything. Your thoughts are valid and I hope, that you find the strenght to get away from this man and into safety. If you can please seek help from your friends / family or even the authorities. This person is not worthy your time and is a shameful rapist and criminal.

            [–]thisisnotmyname17 9 points10 points  (0 children)

            RIGHT!! This guy is the one who is supposed to care about you MORE THAN ANYONE!! He’s supposed to care about your safety. He’s supposed to care about your feelings. He’s supposed to protect you from someone hurting your psyche, your body, your feelings. And he RAPED you. Not to mention how absolutely disgusting it is that he had sex with an unconscious body. He could have gotten release from his horniness alone in the shower. Please run. RUN.

            [–]6bubbles 16 points17 points  (0 children)

            Please dont marry your rapist. You are NOT overreacting.

            [–]elainegeorge 29 points30 points  (0 children)

            It’s easier to call off a wedding than go through with it and divorce down the road. Call it off.

            [–]th4tsi 13 points14 points  (0 children)

            My darling , I am so sorry this happened to you. In addition to the comments below - reach out to someone you trust, family or friend who will understand you for support. Think about speaking to a professional, even if it’s just for one session to debrief in a safe space.

            Dump this asshole - you deserve to be with someone who loves you.

            [–]Blue_Dragon_1066 12 points13 points  (0 children)

            What would you tell your bff if she told you this happened to her? RUN.

            [–]purpledog4 12 points13 points  (1 child)

            OP putting raped in quotes in the title of their post speaks volumes to the sad state of our society. He didn’t hypothetically or ironically rape - he raped. No quotes needed. This was rape. And from OPs comments, he knows it. Odds are this man will do it again and again. Being married to him will only make it so much worse. I hope you can get out of this relationship - safely and quickly.

            [–]itamer 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            The fact that he needed to shower to feel normal again… ugh.

            But he’s coerced her into sex many times so he’s already on the road away from consent.

            She needs to speak up about why the wedding is off so that his family know and can protect the next girl he lures in with his charming mask.

            [–]shootingstarstuff 9 points10 points  (0 children)

            Please do not marry this man. If he does this before you’re trapped then just imagine what he will do to you when it’s nearly impossible to report your spouse to the police for anything

            [–]annapurnah 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            There’s no scare quotes necessary, he fully raped you and admitted it. DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON.

            [–]recyclopath_ 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            How could you trust him again? How could you be vulnerable around him again?

            You now know that he will put his immediate wants ahead of your wellbeing and consent, at your expense.

            A marriage includes many times of vulnerability. A marriage requires a ton of trust. A marriage requires many moments of sacrificing your personal wants for what is best for your partner and the partnership.

            You know he won't make a good husband.

            [–]ninjacooter 9 points10 points  (0 children)

            If you haven't read up on Gisèle Pelicot, I suggest you take her story into consideration as well. Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. He will do this again. Please get yourself to a safe place.

            [–]NotaWitch-YourWife 9 points10 points  (0 children)

            It's never, ever too late to call off a wedding - and yes that is exactly what you should do.

            You and he both know that he raped you. He did not value your no, it does not matter that he felt bad. Or admitted it once pressed. Or apologized and said it will never happen again - he's right it won't because you're not going to be around for that to happen. If you don't leave it will happen again, and again and the apologies will stop. His actions speak to how little he respects you, and your body. What he did was not love nor was it from a place of love - it was doing what he wanted when he wanted regardless of what you told him.

            The moment you realized this is what he did, that should have been the end. No more wedding. It doesn't matter if your family loves him, it doesn't matter the expense, you have been told it's cheaper than divorce and less messy.

            Give him his ring back either he leaves or you do and that is that. Block him everywhere and get a TRO (temporary restraining order) or you can press charges and the police will do it for you.

            You can send out a message to your side, that unfortunately due to some serious personal issues you and ex have decided it best to go your separate ways; no questions please this is a difficult time. You do not owe his side any of your time - he has to deal with it and really, who cares what he says.

            After you do those things - get yourself into therapy - it will help and you will come out of this stronger and wiser.

            [–]Boner-brains 8 points9 points  (3 children)

            Can i ask why you sold your car? How great can he be if he wears you down about sex like this? Abuse isn't always screaming and yelling

            [–]Effective_Customer24[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

            We worked together and did everything together so I didn’t even touch my car for like 6 months so I sold it to my parents which is another horror story cause they haven’t paid me the full amount they said they were and I’m still paying it off. We got into it and I basically don’t have parents anymore because they wanted to be disrespectful and they still have my car

            [–]JustViblets 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            OP, please call a rape crisis center. Ask them about support workers, emergency counselling, transition houses and women's shelters. You are not alone, you don't need to involve your friends and family if you don't want to, but please seek these supports. I work in the field, we deal with similar situations unfortunately. I don't know where you're located otherwise I'd help you find local resources. Please feel free to DM if you want to talk. Sending you love. 

            [–]alaskacat20 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I’m sorry you went through that with your parents as well:/ I’m sorry these people around you are treating you with so much disrespect, you deserve better. It sounds like a lot to be going through and I’m sending hugs and strength <3 and echoing trying to find a counselor or support group! I’m in both and they are so helpful and I’m so grateful for them

            [–]wags1983 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            Leave him now

            [–]Elyay 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            Instead of taking care of you and making sure you were ok while unconscious, he used this situation for his own pleasure. That should tell you everything. This is who he is deep down.

            He did this to you because he thinks he has you, now that you're almost married to him. Run.

            [–]dleerox 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            Geez…. Do not marry this rapist! You’ll never fully trust or respect him. Move on

            [–]Captain_Inverse 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            I'm so sorry, but he raped you full stop.

            Should you remain with him, know that he has shown there will be no scenario where a "No" from you will be valued and that he will do the most heinous things to you with full understanding of what he's doing. It may be good for a while, he may seem remorseful or whatever. But should you marry this man he will have done essentially the highest breach of trust possible (which is an understatement) to you and during the wedding will look you in the eye and pledge faith to you and see no issue with it

            [–]CableSeparate 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            Your “Prince Charming” raped you… I think there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance going on as you mourn the loss of the illusion you had of this great relationship.

            [–]MasinMadasHell 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            You are not overreacting. Can you talk to a counselor? I'm so sorry he did his to you.

            [–]armyofonetaco 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            Hi, I want to preface this by saying I was in a relationship for 10 years where the same thing happened.

            My partner raped me in my sleep and I would wake up very confused. This started 3 years into our relationship. And continued for 7 years.

            The first time he did it he admitted and said he was sleep walking. I was 18 in my very first relationship and dumb so I believed him. Every single time after that he gaslighted me and said nothing happened and he is going to get help.

            Last year he did it again but I just had enough and started trying to push him off of me. He was silent and kept trying despite me fighting and saying no. I became very angry and started punching and not thinking.

            He ran out and took the car. After several calls to the police I had to take an Uber to the station and finally make a report. That is the day I got my life back.

            Please please dont be like me and wait 10 years before choosing to love yourself. Report him. Press charges. Get a restraining order. Make sure he never gets away with this again.

            P.s. His family didnt care. His mother called me a whore. But atleast his dad died 🙃

            [–]Socksplinko 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            Would you ever advise someone to stay with their rapist? No? Well, you shouldn’t either.

            [–]Lebuhdez 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            If he wouldn’t take no for an answer before this, he was NOT perfect and not your Prince Charming. You should call off the wedding

            [–]humbugonastick 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            If you still consider staying with this...man, please read up on the Gisele Pelicot case. This woman was married to her husband for 50 years (or so) and found out, that for years her husband drugged her and had about 100 men rape her over time.

            Please don't think that you are overreacting. I would say, you are under reacting.

            This is not a good man!

            [–]Sharp-Apartment-3964 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Yep, I would definitely leave him alone cause whatever they fo once if you stay they will do it again.

            [–]cool. coolcoolcool.BurbNBougie 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            Please don't marry this man

            [–]scrambelina 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            He crossed basically the biggest most incredibly non gray boundary you can cross, tried to lie, then realized he couldnt and played the victim. A coward of a man. I’m so sorry that happened to you and he ruined what was supposed to be an exciting time. As the top comment said, calling off a wedding is cheaper than a divorce. Who knows what more he could be capable of.

            [–]StaticCloud 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Leave immediately. I just had something similar happen to me. The man wasn't a particularly nice all the time but he was supportive of me and sweet when he wanted to be. But lately he violated my consent by doing something I told him not to do. I never thought he would try to do something like that but he did. Maybe he thought I wouldn't notice. I went over and broke things off. It's too close a call. Next time that guy could've done worse to me.

            You can't trust your fiance to not rape you again in the fiture. You're not ruining anything. YOUR FIANCE RUINED EVERYTHING. Once a rapist always a rapist

            [–]Trans Womanperritofeo 7 points8 points  (0 children)

            I'm so sorry, dear. This man doesn't love you. He may have strong feelings for you, but in a possessive, depersonalizing way. In other words, he doesn't see you as a person, but as an object. He believes he's entitled to your body, your care and your life. He's just shown this now because he knows it's unlikely you'll call off the wedding just two months before. He felt safe to test your boundaries right now for a reason.

            Please listen to all this people advising against marrying this man. They're right: it'll only get worse. Be safe.

            [–]thewoodbeyond 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            He abused you, raped you, and admitted it. Call off the wedding, leave him.

            [–]squirrelybitch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Please, please cancel this wedding, and end this relationship with him immediately. You are not safe with him. If you marry him, you will be less safe than you are now because he will believe that he owns you completely, and he raped you while you are engaged to him; what do you think he will do to you when you marry him?

            He has crossed this line, and all he had to do to feel better about what he did was to take a shower aka wash the evidence of of himself in case you called the cops on him. But next time, it will be so much easier for him to not only cross that line, but to explore the new territory, and you will be trapped and in more danger than you ever imagined possible. I think assault on you this was planned. Please protect yourself and end this thing before you find yourself in more trouble than you ever thought possible.

            [–]kitty-yaya 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            This is horrible - please, OP run in the other direction.

            [–]pixiglitter08[🍰] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            RED FLAG! Please listen to the other comments, he will do it again he doesn't give a shit about you or your boundaries or feelings! He's a piece of shit and stuff deserve so much better stay safe 🩵

            [–]alrtight 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            OP, this is a comment i wrote for a post a while back. while their situation isn't exactly like yours, the answer is the same. please read-

            AIO My (35F) bf (35M) told me he wants me to keep up with my body because he is a high value man : r/AmIOverreacting

            [–]Vegicide 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Not overreacting at all. That’s rape, no wiggle room for argument or excuses or justification. This is the clearest red flag ever and could easily be a sign of things to come. I would not move forward with the relationship if I were you. Marital rape is real and this is how it becomes a “normalized” thing in some cases. At the bare minimum confide in trusted friends and family and seek counseling. Best of luck navigating this and I’m sorry it happened to you. You didn’t deserve it at all.

            [–]HelpINeedS0m3b0dy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I was engaged and married my rapist. I would wake up to him having sex with me in my sleep. Please do not marry this man. If there is anything in this life I regret, it is marrying him. We went to sex therapy and personal therapy every week and he did not and would not stop. I had to sleep on the couch to prevent him from touching me. I am in a healthy and committed relationship now and I still have problems with sex. Please, I beg you, save yourself. It’s not worth it.

            [–]Elphaba ThroppVenezia9 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            I'm sorry. Don't marry this person. I'm so so sorry. 

            [–]gdognoseit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            You cannot marry this rapist!! Please cancel the wedding and stay away from him. You will regret marrying him.

            [–]sirenseye19 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            My ex husband did this to me. This is rape. Period. The best thing you can do is get out. I know the hurt and the confusion and the betrayal you are feeling, but it will only get worse if you stay.

            [–]DragonSeaFruit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            He raped you and admitted it to your face. Of course you need to leave him.

            [–]Qwopie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            Omg, man here. I couldn't even read all of your post cause it made me feel sick. I'm married and just the thought of finishing in my wife who is not actually available to say yes or no because she's too drunk notice is literally making want to chuck up.  WTF.

            [–]CyrusBuelton 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            "....this man was perfect."

            Perfect men and prince charming don't rape their fiancé's.

            [–]justmitzie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            I'm so sorry he did this to you. None of this is your fault, and it isn't up to you to make it all ok. I have been where you are, and I get why you put raped in quotes. Please believe me when I say this won't be the last time. It can be really easy to start thinking it was something you did, you weren't clear enough, it was a miscommunication, he isn't "that" kind of guy.

            Please leave, and make sure he never touches you again. You deserve so much better.

            [–]openhearted 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Cancel the wedding & walk away. If you don't, it will only get worse. He's not prince charming because he bought you things. He raped you. You're not going to fix him. He has to fix himself. If he truly feels disgusted by what he did, then maybe your leaving will be motivation enough for him to take advantage of some of the many resources out there to help him heal.

            If you actually do want to give this guy a second chance, that should happen after he's done this and reversed this programming. It's not going to happen in a month.

            It can be really hard to see clearly through the network of complex emotions because no one is truly evil. Everyone is human and flawed. Of course you'll see his humanity, because he does have humanity. He just also has some seriously messed up programming and you will be the one to endure the worst of it. Don't let this be the next chapter of your life.

            [–]notapeacock 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            You would not be "letting what happened ruin you". He ruined it.

            [–]Sassy_Lass 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            He has a high sex drive and said in the past that he won't take no for an answer. He admitted to raping you because you were insensible and unable to refuse. You had refused. Multiple times. No is a complete sentence. NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. Those red flags aren't a circus. He will not change because he has already both told and shown you who he is. Alcohol dissolves inhibitions. THAT IS WHO HE IS

            [–]Familiar-Peace-6192 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            You need to leave him - I am sorry to tell you but you should - he sounds like a sex addict and I was married to one of those who treated me very similarly and nearly destroyed me - do not stay with this person

            [–]bell to the hooksFun-Reporter8905 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            He’s begging you to get married because once you are married, he will tell you that you are his wife and you are supposed to give him sex when he asked for it.

            This was a test. A form of control to see just how far he can go and once you get married, it’ll go even further. He gave you a flash of things to come.

            You have to ignore everyone that is going to tell you to stay. Everyone that’s going to tell you it was a mistake. You have to put yourself in your safety first or you will live on life and fear and terror of whether or not this will happen again.

            Read this article about Gisele Pelicot Whose husband just went to prison for drugging her, and raping her daily for a decade and allowing 50 others to do so pelicot

            [–]GoblinTatties 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            Girl he is not your prince charming. He's your rapist. Get the hell away as fast as you can.

            [–]ryersonreddittoss 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            This was how the abuse started in my first marriage. I out myself and my kids through a lot of pain and mental health struggles because I was too embarrassed to call off the wedding.

            I hope you find peace, but I also hope you find it elsewhere.

            [–]deery130 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            What you listed is the bare minimum. My ex did that and then tried to unalive me. A lot of men think they can do a good deed and get sex as if women are arcade machines where you enter a token to get a prize... him not trying his absolute best to make it up to you by taking accountability like checking himself into therapy without you mentioning it speaks volumes. I am so sorry this happened to you. Please consider if this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

            [–]Alexis_J_M 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            Don't marry him.

            Make your exit plan now before it is too late -- this is not the life you want. Do not tell anyone.

            And for the love of all that is holy make sure you do not get pregnant before you can escape.

            [–]AcanthaceaeHead4034 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            you have years ahead please do not marry him

            [–]amansname 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            Girl. Run

            [–]FuzzBuzzer 10 points11 points  (0 children)

            Call off the wedding immediately and cut ties with this person.

            If anyone asks you why, tell them, "Because he's a rapist". End of conversation.

            Please seek out some support as well. But do not give him the time of day, ever again.

            [–]x31b 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            You should only marry someone you have complete trust in.

            It doesn't sound like you do.

            Don't give a single thought to the 'sunk cost' in money of the venue, food, anything else. Do what's right for you.

            I feel like it would be difficult to get a successful prosecution given all the circumstances, but at the least you can keep it from happening to you again. And, if you go back to him, you're dreaming if you don't think it will happen again.

            [–]lowkeyuser1111 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Is this even real? You want to marry a rapist because he buys you things and lets you drive his car?

            [–]DoubleOxer1 7 points8 points  (1 child)

            I’m so sorry he did this to you. I’m actually horrified he did this. Please don’t marry this guy, I beg. He will assault you again.

            u/burbnbougie

            [–]cool. coolcoolcool.BurbNBougie 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            My gawd

            [–]elizajaneredux 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            OP, he raped you. He acknowledged it (after trying to lie about it).

            This is exactly what you can expect from this man going forward.

            It would be hard, I know, to call off a wedding and leave, especially because I assume he has some decent qualities otherwise you wouldn’t be with him.

            But it will be infinitely harder to live with this and even harder still to finally leave after you’ve built a financial and emotional life with him, maybe including kids.

            Please take it from all of us outsiders - this is the time to run away, even though it’s hard and complex. Don’t set a precedent of staying close to people who harm you.

            [–]AmazingSpider-Fan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            You answered your own question. You don't feel anything towards him, don't marry him. Go to therapy instead. Add couples therapy if you want to consider working through this violation.

            [–]AxGunslinger 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            You don’t get married and you go to the police

            [–]Itchy-Astronomer9500 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            No “rape”, this is just rape. No other way to say it, really, and I’m super sorry that happened to you.

            He admitted it.

            And I’m aware you’ve probably had each other in your lives for a long enough time to feel like this would be to throw that away, but I really think your best move is to report and leave him. Really ask yourself if you can live with someone who raped you and admitted to it (it would be bad if he didn’t admit it anyway, that doesn’t take away from the act).

            [–]LessThanLolita 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            Its better to call off a wedding and go no contact with a literal PREDATOR than force yourself to live with someone who thinks your body is theirs and not yours. This is extremely fucked up of him to do and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. If he’s willing to literally rape you, he does not view you as more than a sexual object. You deserve better, OP. This is absolutely not the type of man you want to have a future with. This is vile behaviour.

            [–]LessThanLolita 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I also want to add to this; if you are worried about cancelling your wedding because of money, please remember that money is something you can always earn back and eventually get, but if you marry your rapist, you are losing a lot more on a mental, physical, and emotional level and eventually will not be able to recover from the types of trauma this man is willing to put you through.

            [–]Ikimi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Remove the quotes, and proceed with removing and protecting yourself.

            [–]skybarbie350 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            None of this is okay. I really hope you leave him… get out now. It will just get worse from here…..

            [–]MarcBeck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            IMO this man doesn’t love you! He loves himself and will always love himself over you. If he really loved you he would have cared for you while you were drunk. What do you think he’ll do when you have children or a cold or flu. Run, don’t walk, away from this putz! You’ll find Mr Right…but it’s not this a$$hat.

            [–]Therubestdude 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Finding this out a month before the marriage is wild. Good luck.

            [–]oldcreaker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            You didn't need to put "raped" in quotes - he actually raped you.

            [–]presentable_corpse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Calling off a marriage is cheaper and easier than divorcing.

            Because what he did was 100% rape and he'll 100% do it again.

            [–]S0lid0nyx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Girl- RUN. 🚩🚩🚩

            Trust me, it's only going to get worse after marriage. Most abusers wait until after marriage for the mask to come off.

            He raped you.

            Full stop.

            Please get out, you are not ever going to be safe with that man.

            [–]Handerborte 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I am by no means an expert. But yes. That was rape. That is never ok. I am not saying you should report him, that desicion is only one you can make. But I would 100% leave him. If he has done it once and gotten away with it, why would he not do it again another time?

            [–]cobaltbluetony 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Take the quote marks off. You were raped.

            There's nowhere to go with this relationship unless he accepts responsibility and blame, and is truly sorry. And even then, what's to stop him from doing that again? Even if you feel so inclined to forgive him, there's too much at stake to let it slide. You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself in the long term.

            I don't know you or him, but I would cut my losses if I were you. Rape is an act of violence, and it's hard to get it out of a relationship if it doesn't get the appropriate level of seriousness. (Speaking from personal experience.)

            I hope you have IRL people to turn to, also. People who know and understand you, and will be there to support you alone, and not try to guilt or coerce you into staying with him if you're not comfortable doing so.

            [–]JugueteRabioso 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Don’t do this to yourself. Get away from him! So I’m friends with someone who got their marriage started this way and it never got better. Date rape and Marital rape was not a crime when he first started assaulting her in her sleep or when he’d get her drunk. So she doesn’t want to make a fuss and just went through with the marriage. Eventually the rapes led to her getting pregnant and man does she not like that child specifically. Eventually her husband stopped doing that to her and they were able to plan their other two children. She treats those kids so differently than her first kid. She has been unhappily married for 30 years and is waiting for him to eat himself to death because she does not want the stigma of divorce and having to explain that despite all appearances he is not a good guy.

            [–]Surrenic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Call if off. As a man I cannot understand how he would be able to do something. Literally abusing your own partner (don't get me wrong, any form of abuse to anyone you know or dont know, is just something I can't mentally grasp). But someone that loves you, should be your safe heaven, the person that makes sure things like these never happen.

            And my god "he wanted to feel normal", so he showered? Did he not once consider what his soon to be wife would feel?

            Call if off, break up. Find someone to talk to, and dont listen to friends or family that try to talk you back into it.

            [–]gutsyspirit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            If you haven’t already, start quietly getting refunds on wedding payments and reservations if you can.

            If you can’t, still don’t get married. Leave him. You don’t need to live in fear of that happening again and again for the rest of your life. You can’t trust him now

            [–]mintghost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Please leave him; it will only get worse. I speak from personal experience. You deserve the world and more; you WILL find the right person; this guy is not him.

            [–]KashPoe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            The problem is that it starts with something like this then it escalates to bigger things with time. So no you're not overreacting and you would be right not want to continue with this guy.

            [–]Despair_Tire 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I was with a sexually abusive sexually coercive man (and even he did not do something as horrible as your fiance did). And it made me start really feeling angry all the time and out of touch with my body, and I became extremely sex aversive. It was horrible. Please I urge you to look into sexual coercion and realize you are with an abusive rapist. He's just nice when he's getting his way. I'm sorry.

            [–]Kathrynlena 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Please, for fucks’ sake, do not marry this man. It doesn’t matter how wonderful he is to you 99% of the time, that night you learned that he cares about a few moments of pleasure more than he cares about you as a human being. He will do it again. It will get so much worse after you’re married to him. Please escape as soon as you can. You are in danger from him. No matter how safe he makes you feel, he has proven he is dangerous.

            [–]whereistheidiotemoji 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            You don’t matter to him. Not your feelings. Not your safety. Nothing. You are an appliance. He doesn’t see you as human, so he doesn’t have to treat you as human.

            And this feeling about not wanting to have sex with him? That gets worse, not better. And your body will keep the score - all of that will manifest itself as illness, headaches, body aches, gut aches.

            If you are still on the fence, please just use the No Test. Say no to the movie he wants to see. To where he wants to eat. To friends he wants to see. As far as he is concerned, you do not have the option to say no. So what will he do when you say no? Anything other than “okay” is the reddest of flags. He will move on from cajoling and insisting to just taking and forcing.

            Get out now. Ghosting him would be safest.

            [–]GrindForGrade 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            sunk costs shouldn’t factor into important decisions and marriage is one of the biggest you can make…

            [–]Nearby_Chemistry_156 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            He did it once he will do it again - he’s basically been doing it this whole time with pushing you into sex and now he just went one step further. Next time maybe you won’t even be drunk.  File a police report if you feel you can, at minimum call of the wedding and get somewhere safe away from him and with your dog.

            [–]DoomFace03 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I can't tell if he thinks this is ok or if he did this intentionally to try and break your spirit. Call a lawyer and a friend. Someone who can physically defend you, to help you get out. He admitted it to you directly. He is weak and needs someone who won't stand up to him. Don't let him move on to the next victim

            [–]SeaShore29 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. This kind of behaviour often gets worse after marriage when it is harder for you to leave, please take care of yourself and leave.

            [–]AwkwardSummers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Your husband should be the #1 person you trust the most because they are your partner. He raped you so obviously you can't trust him. He put his needs above your own. He even knew it was wrong but did it anyway.

            He is the same as Brock Turner. He did the same thing.

            [–]RGQcats 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            No one is perfect if they raped you. Please do not marry him. If this is what he is capable of before the marriage, he is capable of far worse after. Please take care of yourself and cancel the wedding.

            [–]moemoe823 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Yeah so he's actually NOT a great guy.

            [–]ChrysalisUpcycle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            if you're planning on having a family etc. you'll likely have even LONGER periods to wait in-between sexy times. I hate to say (yes he was drunk too etc... etc) but it'd be a pretty good bet that his sex drive is going to lead him into someone else's bed when you're too tired to speak let alone f*#K with a newborn.

            [–]orchidlake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            He already crossed the line once, can you really 100% trust this man to NEVER rape you again in the next couple of decades? He's shown you who he truly is. All those other "providing" things are great and all, but seemingly he deems yourself a possession as well and treats you as such.

            Most bad people have good aspects - they kind of need to to be able to fit in society. Humans are social animals, and he as well as others are socialized to function within society. But He's still a bad man and person.

            [–]IP_Janet_GalaxyGirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Alcohol doesn't "make" a person do things that they would not do when they're sober.

            Alcohol reduces a person's inhibitions, and "uncovers" what they want to do, and are willing to do, but don't do when they're sober because of laws and societal taboos.

            Your I-hope-soon-to-be ex-fiance showed you a GIGANTIC red flag in raping you. Get out ASAP, as soon as you can safely do so. End everything to do with him, except pressing charges. Report this to the authorities as soon as it is safe for you to do so.

            [–]JasonQuaid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            This is rape. So do not marry a rapist. Report him and get him prosecuted. He will ruin other lives otherwise, so get him his Karma.

            [–]Infinite-Mark2319 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            “Before all this happened we would always argue about how he wouldn’t take no for an answer and I would just give in cause there was no point in saying no anymore.”

            This is also rape. Your partner is a serial rapist and it will only get worse. Leave now. Please.

            [–]SelfEmployedHumanoid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            If he didn't rape you, why did he say he didn't know what happened when you first asked him?

            And then clearly a second later DID know what happened and was able to describe the interactions in detail.

            I mean you have to decide what you will and will not accept from a partner but it sounds like he knew you weren't up for it and did it anyway, now he feels ashamed about it.

            Sounds scarily like he's been buttering you up till he has you trapped. Easy ways to do this:

            Shared or dependent on him for income/housing

            Shared pet

            Married <-- you're about to hit this level

            Kids

            [–]Woodliedoodlie 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            This is horrifying I’m so sorry. And I’m also furious for you.

            For the love all of things good in this world, do not marry this man. He is a monster who will absolutely rape you again. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s done other things to you in the past as well.

            If I were I would have reported him to the police and gotten the fuck out of that house.

            [–]sh0rtcake 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            You know what happened, and he told you it happened. He's telling you who he is and what lengths he will go to ignore your consent. Everything should have gone out the window that night, including any future plans you had with him. Being together with someone does not automatically remove consent. Please leave this man and cancel all plans you have made to continue being with him. It wouldn't matter if you booked a one-way flight to the top of Mount Everest. Take the hit. Get rid of the boy.

            [–]hbomb9410 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            Yes, he raped you. No need to put it in quotation marks.

            We are strangers, but I am begging you not to marry this man. As awful as it will feel to call off the wedding, it's a lot easier to do that than go through with the wedding and get divorced later. This probably won't be the last time he does something like this, and next time, he'll probably remember to put your clothes back on so you may not even realize anything happened. What if you have children? Is this the kind of person you want to raise them with? Would you trust him alone around them? If you don't want children, can you trust him not to mess with your birth control?

            I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I wish you good luck and courage as you take your next steps. I hope you have friends or family in your life whom you can rely on for support. If not, I encourage you to look for local support groups, or perhaps seek professional help from a counselor.

            [–]Carlspoony 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Im very sorry this happened to you. Dump his ass, file a restraining order and press charges, tell the police, talk to a therapist.

            [–]yet-another-redd 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Seriously, you are not overthinking this at all. He raped you and he will do it again once you get married. Marriage is like a free card for such men.

            This is your best opportunity. Why would anyone marry a guy who rapes his unconscious fiancé? Is he an animal. Even animals will do better. Please, you have nothing for him. Now is the time to stop it.

            Getting married will be a huge mistake. In every sense. You don’t want kids with this man. You do not. You should have punched him in his guts in the shower. Calling off a wedding is better than violence in a marriage and the shit that comes with it. You need to heal, and you need time and space.

            [–]Roxyharden 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            If you do confide in people close to you, do not let anyone tell you that this isn’t a big deal or that he’s a good guy and wouldn’t ever hurt you. He already did. Trust your own gut - leave before it becomes even more complicated.

            [–]Unusual_Gazelle_9366 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            You are not overreacting. That was rape. Full stop, no qualifiers. Your fiance raped you while you were too intoxicated to consent.

            You need to leave him. This behavior will get worse, not better, after marriage. This is another a man who loves or respects you. This is a man who thinks of you as an object instead of a person.

            I know that calling off a wedding seems daunting, but I promise it's easier than a divorce. Do not tie yourself to a rapist for life. You deserve so much better.

            [–]Dr_Cruces 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            I don’t even know what to say here (male, 40s). but do not marry this man. You deserve better.

            [–]MrsBoo 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            Well you definitely shouldn’t marry him.  All the trust is gone.  Husbands can rape wives.  He can and probably will still do this to you if you stay with him.  If (hopefully when) you do leave him, please be very careful.  He is dangerous.  He thinks nothing of raping you.  This is absolutely not ok.

            [–]MillenialSage 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            All men are capable of sighing and moving on

            Not all men are capable of THIS. It truly is alarming

            [–]mending-bronze-411 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Oh my god!!!!! What a nightmare. Definitely cancel the wedding. This is no joke. Get some space away from him and give yourself time to heal and feel what you feel. You seem in shock. Understandably so. He crossed a boundary so severe I don’t think there is really a coming back from it

            [–]Fearedbeard93 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            OP I can only imagine how scary the thought of calling off the marriage is. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. But he raped you, there is no grey area here. You expressed several times that you didn't want to have sex. He violated you, your trust, and your relationship.

            Don't let him or anybody else sow any doubt in your mind. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. Being engaged/married does not mean your forfeit your bodily autonomy.

            Please trust yourself, cancel the wedding and break up with him. He's dangerous and he's a horrible person that obviously has no respect for very, very basic boundaries. He isn't a life partner, he's a predator.

            Be safe OP, we're all hoping for the best for you 🙏🏻

            [–]CaladielZ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            Never, ever, marry someone you can't trust around when you are asleep (or unconscious). Break it off and go live a life free of him. You deserve better.

            [–]Human-Credit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            You are not crazy, you have been socialized (like most women) to put men first. Violence like this escalates. As a social worker this worries me so much for you. Please find trusted people to walk with you through this. Get your stuff, leave the key, and never look back. If it's your place put his stuff on the porch, change the locks, and never look back. Your safety and your body is more important than a wedding. You will feel warm again, but the only way ... is through it.

            [–]emma279 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            I'm so sorry. This is awful. This person is supposed to be your best friend. 

            [–]KoutaRyu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Look, it seems to me like he's the right one for you and especially not for marrying. If he can't keep to himself despite you said no, he's not going to respect your boundaries in the future. Don't get stuck in a marriage with him. You need to prioritize your own happiness and well-being over what others might think of you if you cancel your wedding. I don't know the full extent of your relationship with him prior to this incident but open and honest communication is really important here to clear up any doubts for a clear decision if you want to cut off the wedding.

            [–]Tiredracoon123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            You leave. A marriage full of this shit is worse than calling off a wedding. You could be in a situation where he rapes you and impregnates you. Then you would either have to have children or have an abortion. Even if that doesn’t happen he’ll likely rape you again and again and again. Also if he’s willing to rape you how much is he going to respect your opinion about other aspects of your life.

            [–]crustlord666 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            Oh my god, this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry this happened to you!

            [–]holyfuckSPIDER 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            He’s lost your trust. Isn’t that one of the most important aspects of marriage (and in any relationship)? Run far away from this man!

            [–]_indighoul 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            The right thing to do is to leave, love. Better yesterday than today. It might be messy and it WILL be hard, but staying with him will ultimately be worse. All the good things he did don't negate this horrible, awful thing he did. They don't make up for it, they don't excuse it, they disguise it as something less bad than it is. If a hypothetical daughter told you her boyfriend raped her, but she's going to stay with him because he's so sweet the rest of the time.. what would your response be? The good things don't lessen the suffering he's putting you through. They didn't win him a certain amount of points that's bigger than the amount of points he loses for raping you. You don't need to rationalise or balance out the reasons to leave. He isn't your prince charming, and even if he did save you, it doesn't in any way mean you're obligated to stay.

            The right thing to do is to leave asap. You deserve peace, and rest, and quietness. Wishing you so much strength 🩷

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