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How many lesbians here have had straight relationships in the past? (self.actuallesbians)

submitted by KalamityJane007

My gf seems to think that since I have had straight relationships in my past that I am bi and I'm attracted to males. I have tried to explain to her that everyone is different and goes through different experiences in life. I dated guys when I was younger and it helped me figure out even more that it wasn't for me. I tried to make it work but with any boyfriend it always felt foreign and like some thing was missing and I thought about girls and it became very clear to me that I was gay and have been dating exclusively women for years and have been more involved with women than I ever was with males.

It's very frustrating trying to make my gf understand me and that just because she didn't have relationships with guys and I did that it doesn't make me bi or NOW attracted to males. Her view is that if I was ever even remotely attracted to guys that I must still be. She doesn't get it.

How many other lesbians have had relationships with guys in the past in their journey to figuring themselves out and do any lesbians have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation with my gf?

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[–]icedcoffeebestcoffee 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Dated a few guys in high school in the relatively non-serious way that high school kids usually do. Dated one guy in college, which was more serious, but still not sexual. I wasn't honest with myself about why I didn't want to sleep with any of them. It wasn't my age or fear of pregnancy or anything other than the fact that I didn't want to sleep with dudes.

None of the relationships were based on attraction as much as... I just thought I was doing what I was supposed to? I liked them as people, but I know now that what I felt was not the same as their attraction to me. At the time, I knew that what I was feeling wasn't what other people described as love, but I figured those people had to be extra romantic and cheesy or something, right?

Wrong. They were genuine in what they experienced. When I was finally honest with myself and had a relationship with a woman, I got it. I had dated guys but I'm definitely gay.

Another way of looking at: Lots of us have jobs we don't like before we find what we actually want to do. No one says you're not really [current occupation] just because you had others in the past.

[–]wild_muses 12 points13 points  (1 child)

When I was finally honest with myself and had a relationship with a woman, I got it.

Oh my gosh, I feel this so hard. When I had a boyfriend, I hated kissing. I thought people were exaggerating when they talked about how much they liked making out.

Then the first time I kissed a girl I immediately understood.

[–]icedcoffeebestcoffee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah! Like, at first was bad because it was a 15-year-old boy. Then it didn't get any better as the guys got older lol

[–]wild_muses 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Many of us have. Many. It's even common for women to not realize that they're lesbians until their 40s or 50s or later. Women are expected to have relationships with men. The vast majority of us are raised with the assumption that we will be with a man. We're surrounded by media that almost always equates romance itself with heterosexual relationships. It's difficult to figure out not only that being with women is okay and a valid option, but also that you aren't attracted to men. Attraction is presented as somewhat esoteric in our culture; nobody really sits you down and tells you what attraction is and what it'll be like when you feel it, and even women who consider themselves heterosexual might talk about how their husbands or men in general aren't that interesting (to be with or to look at), or that everybody thinks women are beautiful. So you grow up thinking that it's totally normal and perhaps inevitable to unsatisfied in relationships with men, and not realizing that maybe attraction is that feeling when you see your best friend and your heart swells two times its size, not a decision you make when you surmise "I guess I could bear to kiss that guy?"

So yeah. A LOT of us have dated men, and it doesn't mean that we're attracted to them now or that we even ever were. A name for this unfortunate effect is called 'Compulsory Heterosexuality'--maybe you can look this up, find more stories from women who had the same journey as you, show them to your gf and explain to her that it's common and well-documented. I know her stance is unfortunately common but your partner needs to respect your identity.

[–]msdrbeatGay as the 4th of July 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Me. I was with a guy for three years. He was a great friend and I cared for him, but I spent a long time lying to myself and trying to fit a mold I did t fit. I identified as bi toward the end of our relationship. I broke up with him struggling that I was indeed a lesbian. Happy identifying as a lesbian. I remember identifying as bi thinking "wow lesbian feels good" but "nah not for me."

A very legitimate orientation but it wasn't mine.

[–]idontreallylikecandyGhost Femme Switch Extraordinaire 15 points16 points  (0 children)

So there are at least two types of attraction: sexual and romantic. (There may be others, but these are the basic ones that many base their sexual identities off of.) While I can have sex with men because I find some of them sexually attractive, I'm not romantically attracted to them at all. And they kind of bore me. With women, I experience both sexual and romantic attraction. Once I figured this out, I more or less decided to stop even pursuing anything with men, because I had a hard time figuring out the point of all of that. Women are exquisite and I'm super into everything they have to offer.

All that being said, it shouldn't really matter if you are bi or not? Like, I'm just not really sure how that impacts your relationship (aside from biphobia, which is an actual thing) and why it would matter who you are or aren't attracted to. I mean, you're with her, right? So I don't get it.

Women are socialized to believe that they're supposed to be attracted to men, in much the same way that men are socialized to be attracted to women. (Oh, look at little Johnny, he's such a lady killer! Flirting with that cashier! Oh, Bethany is only 2 years old but I know she's going to have to beat the boys off with a stick, she's so pretty!) However, it is much easier for some homosexual individuals to participate in performative heterosexuality without really realizing they're not straight for a while because of that socialization. Like, for me, I just assumed everyone felt similar to me. (Obviously women are just much more attractive than men. Everyone likes looking at women's asses, duh.) But in reality, that's not really true. I'm not sure if this makes a lot of sense. But there you have it.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My experience is pretty strange actually. I'm trans, and am one of those people who was relatively aware of it my whole life but just doing my best to never talk about it. My best friend and I were really close, and there was always just like.. this spark between us. We just got each other on a level that no one else did. So when the day came where I was single and she was too, I asked her out. We dated. And then we ran into problems (more on the problems in a sec). We still got married, and eventually, on our first anniversary we were in a bathtub in a hotel room, and we we're both pretty drunk. We we're talking about deep things, and for whatever reason I said "you know, I've always felt like a girl" and she said "I've sort of picked up on that. So like.. what does that mean to you?". I said "I don't know.." and started to think. Basically that's the first time I've ever been prompted to question myself, and when I did I was just like "wow, this is something that has been making me really unhappy", and was causing a lot of problems that I mentioned we were having earlier, because I wasn't happy (very short explanation of that). So after some research I figured out what being trans was (heard of it but never looked into it for some reason) and was like "ooooohhhhh....". Wife was super spooked and stressed, but we talked and wanted to stay together because we really, really love each other.

Anyway, fast forward, I'm on hormones and transitioning. I grow some boobs. Look somewhat different. Wife is like "ya know.. I think I might be bi..." and I'm like "neat!". We're happier, and wife seems more.. alive? I can tell something is going on in her. I grow more boobs. I look very different. I start wearing some mascara and basic makeup. I start to pass a bit. One day, my wife is on her laptop and I look over and she's posting a gif on her newly created Tumblr. It's the scene from But I'm a Cheerleader where the main character breaks down crying and says "I'm a homosexual!". And I look at her and ask "so.. you're gay?" And she's like "yeahhh...". And I smile and say "I knew it."

The problems that I mentioned before were basically because we were both unhappy with ourselves and our situations. We've never been happier nowadays. :) So yeah, basically wife and me went from being a straight couple to a gay couple. That's my weird, sortof relevant story!!

[–]pwrtrip269 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If this counts, I had a boyfriend for about 3 days when I was 14 πŸ˜… We talked for a week or two. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. Then a few hours after that, I realized it just wasn't going to work because I was way too much into girls. lol

[–]princess_cassie 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I was ENGAGED to a man before I came out. Doesn't mean I am bisexual. It means I was closeted. I am super super lesbian. But I had a bunch of circumstantial things in my life that caused me to stay in the closet and remain very confused about my sexuality for a long time, (I.e. I was raised Catholic, I lived in a small-ish conservative town where queer people generally weren't safe, to name just two.) Anyways, my point is that people have lots of reasons for dating opposite sex partners before they come out.

[–]withthewhitewitch 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have. I was on and off with a guy throughout all of my teens (13-19). I completely ended things after he told me that he loved me (at 19). I realized I didn't love him back. I liked him as a person and I loved the way that he made me feel, but when it came down to it I didn't love him.

[–]matty80Love over hate, always. 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Does your gf not accept ideas like being closeted, in self-denial, internalised homophobia, feeling beholden to societal expectations etc? I'm guessing you've tried explaining all of these things already.

And yes, I got married. Not a very clever move but as I recall it my thinking was "well he's such a nice guy and we have such good times together, I obviously love him!". You're describing a FRIEND, dear, a person you love as a VERY GOOD FRIEND. Unfortunately he liked me in the 'other' way and we started a relationship. It ended very badly, and he's no longer my very good friend.

[–]rosegrim2121Queer? Working on it. 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I dated about five or six guys at before I became ok with myself. It was definitely that socialized aspect that kept me dating them, though attraction was not possible. Another thing was that my experience between my "attraction" to men and my attraction to women is that the guys I picked were boring as hell and...None too good looking. They were on the lower to middle ground of attractiveness. I had one relationship start with a girl before I freaked out because it was SO.DAMN.RIGHT. that my brain overloaded and I ran back into the closet because I couldn't handle it. She was interesting and beautiful and we meshed so damn well and I blew it. I was an idiot at the time. I dated the last guy up until December of last year, (we didn't break up because of my sexuality). I can handle sex with guys, but in a relationship? It's like having a little person with a microphone screaming "WTH!? This sucks stop it" and using every alarm possible until you get the hint all the time in the back of your head.

[–]RebelGirl1323Trans Lesbian Tomboy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My girlfriends thought we were straight. πŸ˜…

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I had sex with a man once, just once. I didn't feel anything for him though. I was absurdly pissed with myself at the time and felt like acting out and he happened to be there. The thing that really tipped me off though is that I don't get feelings for men. There were times I felt mildly attracted to them, but like. So much of that was me forcing things because I wanted badly to be seen as "normal". My attraction to other women is just natural, unlike with my attraction to men I don't have to make an effort to be attracted to women, I just am.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep, yep. Lesbian here. Dated guys in my younger days of exploration. Definitely a lesbian.

[–]cantdressherself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Before i transitioned, nobody thought it was strange that i dated women, and men did not pay me any romantic attention. Once i began hormones, that changed in about six months. I allways told myself if i was attracted to a man, i would go with it, give it a chance so to speak. Less than a year after starting hormones, i slept with a man. It was a positive experience, and i remember the gentleman fondly, but i learned that im a lesbian. Just because im physically capable of having sex with or being friends with a man doesnt mean i am attracted to men.

If i wanted to try it, enough to sleep with a man i did not even know, why wouldn't cis women want the same thing? Especially when they are much younger, and going through puberty for the first time?

[–]geocentricmodel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My wife and I were both married to men before we met. I for 5 years and she for 25 years. Your girlfriend sounds judgmental and rude- good luck with that.

[–]PBplusMA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea, I was with a dude for 7 years and almost married him before accepting I was really super gay and couldn't lie to myself or to him anymore

[–]miminaribarely bisexual 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You asked for stories from lesbians, but even though I'm bi I think my story fits the bill. Before I realized I wasn't straight, I dated a boy for six months who I was 0% physically attracted to because he was "nice" and I liked him as a friend and I felt like I was supposed to. I was in that dangerous grey area of not quite questioning my sexuality yet but becoming uncomfortably aware that I was somehow different and that I was getting a little old to keep thinking of myself as a late bloomer.

Dating him doesn't mean I was into him. I'm primarily gay, really just barely qualifying as bisexual, and dating him was absolutely part of my process of coming out to myself. I think many lesbians go through the same thing. It doesn't make them bi.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I had a couple of 'straight' relationships when I was presenting male. But I hated every minute of it. Cannot stand playing the man in a relationship, the idea makes me almost physically sick.

Just found this sub because I'm looking to connect with the lesbian community a bit and try dating again now that I'm transitioning and much more comfortable in my body.

[–]bluesora123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I spent a lot of time in denial and feeling guilty about my sexuality and what others would think about me, so for a while I would go back and forth with dating men and women. I'm finally at a point now where I don't care, I came out to family and friends and I'm just doing what I want now. I always knew I was gay I just had a hard time admitting it and would get cold feet anytime I started to get serious with a girl and I'd go back to men.

[–]Iantared 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yup together for 8 years with 1 out of which 4 married.... Am so gay! He was just my best friend and I mistook that for romantic love rather than platonic. Your past does not invalidate how you identify right now

[–]O_flamingo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i was engaged to a guy when i was 18

[–]thetomatohater 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your girlfriend should not judge your sexuality based on your past relationships!

I always know inside that I'm gay but I ignore any feelings that I had as just simply admiration or girl crush until after high school. I was in 2 relationship with guys, none of them were serious and I simply got into them because I felt like I was different and out of place compared to the rest of my friends. I had the grossest first kiss ever and regretted everything that I did but if none of this happen, I wouldn't know that I like girls as much as I do now. I simply wanted to fit in...and let me tell you I'm probably the gayest person I know!

It's like if you forced yourself to like/do something because of the situation, it doesn't mean that you like it.